


Try a little harder, You've got to measure up

by Gina_DCC



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 07:19:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3200405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gina_DCC/pseuds/Gina_DCC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the pressure to be the best all begins to weigh down?<br/>Will it destroy everything that surrounds you or can you go up from there again? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>WARNING : might be triggering, about eating disorder and slightly heavy on the descriptions of the effects it can have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a story that has taken me a long time to write, writer's block and simply not thinking it was good enough causing me to take so long.  
> But I am really happy with how it worked out now.
> 
> So I hope you enjoy, although I have to say, I cried a lot writing it, so you're warned.
> 
>  
> 
> As usual, please comment or review, they are more than welcome!! ♥

It should’ve been obvious, he should’ve noticed the signs and now he can smack himself over the head that he just didn’t see how far things have gotten. Chris is sitting down in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the ER, waiting for the doctor who’s handling Darren to come out and let him know what exactly is going to happen now.  
His mom is sitting by his side, an arm wrapped around his shoulder, trying to comfort him in the best way possible though she knows it is hardly a comfort at all. Chris is shaking all over, his fingers trembling while he clenches them into fists against the fabric of his pants, tears welling up in his eyes which he wills not to fall but fails anyway. “What am I going to do mom?” he asks, his voice desperate and pleading, as if she has the answer to it all, “I can’t do all this without him.”

 

*****************************************************************************

 

It’s a year after the last season of Glee, the cast have all dissipated, a couple staying in Los Angeles, some moving away from it all and then Chris and Darren, both moved to New York hardly 2 months after the ending of the show. It had gotten more than enough, those last few years of hiding and sneaking around, trying to fool anyone who wanted to buy it that they had steady and solid relationships going on. But the moment the grasps of Hollywood had lessened after the show that brought them together ended, both Darren and Chris took the opportunity and finally got out together. They packed up and moved, not even really coming out as a couple but just letting things progress naturally. Not deliberately avoiding to talk about each other, if a reporter happened to ask a question about their statuses, answering that they were in a relationship and all that involves the whole situation. And they were perfectly happy like that, Chris had his book deals to work on and the releases of his movies, Darren his music contract and shows and the odd acting role in between his performances and tours.

They live in a two bedroom apartment on the upper west side of New York, Chris’ cat Brian along with them and even though he’s already gotten to a fairly decent age he’s still the life of their home at times.

 

Darren just got of the phone with his agent, the call lasting for over an hour and he’s practically ready to throw the damn thing out of the window just so he didn’t have to deal with it anymore. He really thought that the pressure on him would lessen a little bit now that he had his own following, his own brand was out there, something that was completely him. But instead of now being pushed into a certain form by his bosses at a studio, it’s now the labels that expect him to act and look the way they want.  
Sighing he pushes himself off the desk, walking out of the spare bedroom that’s been redecorated as a music slash writing room for both him and Chris, to the kitchen and grabs himself a beer. He looks at the clock above the fireplace as he walks into the living room, noticing it’s nearing 7pm and a smile creeps on his face unconsciously, knowing Chris’ll be home anytime now. Not really in the mood for cooking, he decides that they would just call and order take out, so now he just drops himself on the couch, his head against the backrest as Brian jumps up on the couch next to him and nestles himself against his side.

A little while later, Chris walks into the apartment and drops his keys in the bowl near the front door as he shrugs off his coat and hangs it in the closet in the hall. As he steps into the living room, he’s greeted with Brian jumping off the couch and as he reaches him, just tangles himself around his legs until Chris picks him up while he walks towards Darren.  
“Hey sleepyhead,” he nudges Darren’s knee as he takes a seat, putting Brian back down, “I’m home, if you might have missed it.”  
Darren opens his eyes lazily, a smile on his lips as he reaches out to Chris and pulls him against his side, immediately capturing the guy’s lips with his own in a sweet and soft kiss. “Hi, how could I ever miss you coming home?” he mumbles against Chris’ lips. Chris chuckles softly, kissing him quickly once more before asking, “What’s for dinner?”

“I thought we’d just order something in, I wasn’t really in the mood for cooking tonight.” Darren shrugs taking a sip of his beer.  
Chris cocks an eyebrow, eyeing the beer in Darren’s hand and then rolling his eyes fondly, “You know, with all this take out we order and that beer you’re having right now, that little tummy is going to appear again.” Chris laughs softly, patting Darren’s stomach playfully before nuzzling into the crook of Darren’s neck, “Remember the comments you used to get on tumblr while we were in Glee? On the other hand, your fans loved it and so do I actually.” He kisses the tender skin of Darren’s neck once more before he leans back, saying, “You order, I’m going to go and grab a shower before it arrives, okay? You choose whatever we have, it’s all fine for me.”

Darren can’t help but watch after Chris as he retreats towards the bathroom, his muscles a bit tensed up at his words as his mind begins to work in overdrive, nearly forgetting to order their dinner and when it finally arrives after a while he barely eats any of it.

 

Things move on, both of them drowning in their work, Darren swarmed with recording sessions and promo tours in the nearby states and Chris finishing his latest screenplay as they are working on casting the actors for the project. It leaves them both a bit on edge, bickering between them when they are together at home over silly thing sometimes, but they work it out. At least that’s how it seems, Darren on his part is being put more and more on the spot, working on shooting the promo pictures for his next tour and for his upcoming second album. And the only way he’s able to handle the extra stress of all that, is the running he started a few months ago, along with a drastic change in his diet. He simply doesn’t drink any alcohol anymore, something Chris raised an eyebrow at a while back but he just waved it away with the explanation of wanting to get a healthier lifestyle and since Chris hardly really drinks he doesn’t feel the need to either. The take out stopped most of the time, and the time they do order it Darren makes sure to always order something healthy. And it helps, he gets a bit more toned, finally his abs are more pronounced again like they were years ago and the scale goes down, not drastically but enough to make Darren feel good about himself. It’s not enough though, his agent is urging him on to lose an extra few pounds, the argument that pictures and tv always add a few pounds.

 

That’s how he finds himself now, sitting on his desk behind his laptop, in search for diet pills that have to work quickly, with a headache already building behind his eyelids after an intense recording session the last few days. He’s been looking online for days and finally finds them so he finalizes his purchase with a wry smile on his face. He opens his own personal diary blog, something he started doing a few months back and starts writing down his thoughts and ideas when he hears Chris entering the apartment as he calls out for him.  
“I’m in here!” he yells over his shoulder, wincing at the immediate sting of pain in his head when he does and quickly closes his laptop, after saving his entry.  
“Hey babe,” Chris says in a cheery voice as he steps into the room. He immediately walks over to Darren, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and settling himself on his lover’s lap. But the moment he looks at Darren, Chris squints his eyes questioningly at his boyfriend, “Are you okay, sweetheart?” he asks as he lets a hand run through his now longer curls. Darren leans into the touch, sighing a bit at the comfort the touch gives him and answers, as he closes his eyes, “I’m fine, just a bit of a headache. Today was long and hard, I think I just need to get some sleep.”

His eyes still on his boyfriend, Chris lets his fingers trail over his scruffy jawline for a moment before leaning in and kissing him softly. “Did you have dinner already? Or should I make you something?” he asks as he leans back a little. A small smile still on his lips, Darren replies, “No thanks babe, I’m not hungry, I just need to sleep I think.”  
“You go do that, baby, I’ll be right here if you need anything, okay?” Chris says before quickly kissing his temple and standing up from his boyfriend’s lap, who immediately stands up too and as he passes Chris, lets his fingers brush against Chris’ fleetingly as he walks towards their bedroom.

 

It all really started to get worse since then, Chris’ and his days mostly spent apart, Darren went out running instead of having lunch with his friends or anyone else who he was working with that day. At first it nagged at him pretty hard, being used to eating whatever he wanted to getting to the way it was right now, but he had gotten used to it fairly quickly. The diet pills arrived at their home just a couple of days after he ordered them, but knowing Chris would give him hell if he ever found out about them, Darren just hid them away in the only place he knew Chris wouldn’t even think of opening, one of his older guitar cases. He did feel guilty about it though, when Chris arrived home that particular day he’d gone all out on distracting Chris as well as himself from his own guilt by practically attacking his boyfriend the moment he walked through the door. He made love to him that night, slow and sweet, trying to ease his own mind and that even made him feel more guilty afterwards.  
But that wasn’t enough of a sign to actually make him stop, the more he saw the pills and the exercise helping, the less guilty he started feeling about hiding it, thinking it was actually paying off and promising himself that one of these day he’d come clean to Chris.

But that day just kept being pushed back, Darren still not really all that comfortable with his image, even if now his agent and other people from the label regularly start to comment on how great he looks now, how his pictures are going to be that more attractive and how he has to keep it up for the filming of his soon to be shot music video.

 

But even though for that it seems to work, there are other things getting worse and worse every day. They fight, a lot, and it usually starts with a stupid little thing that Chris said to Darren that made him throw a vicious comment back. And with every bite or remark Darren gives, Chris gets more annoyed and confused. He tries to talk to him, Darren has to admit that he really does try, but then there’s that nagging feeling of shame and failure inside of him that makes him push the words that are on the tip of his tongue, back and just fix Chris with a look that says to stop it that instant. Never before did they went to bed angry or feeling hurt with one another, but lately it seems to be all they’re doing.

 

Those days go by, slower then before, either of them too stubborn to make the first move again. But it keeps nagging in Darren’s mind, until he finds himself in the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror with a trembling lower lip and tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He keeps staring at himself until he can’t stand it anymore and he turns to drop on his knees in front of the toilet, trying to lose the content of his stomach until he’s trembling with the force of his retching when nothing comes anymore. His attention is snapped back when Chris knocks hesitantly on the door, calling softly through it, “Darren, are you okay sweetheart?” That’s what makes him get back to himself, after splashing water over his face and thoroughly brushing his teeth, he’s able to open the door only to find Chris standing in front of him, his eyes red rimmed and a worried and apologetic expression on his face. And all he can do at that moment is cross that step between them and take Chris in his arms, holding on to him tightly as he just says that he wasn’t feeling all that well in a hushed voice and leaves it at that.  
But soon after, even that isn’t happening anymore, Chris will still keep coming after him but he just pushes him away with his words, not wanting Chris to actually see him or touch him the way he is right now. He’s feeling as if Chris doesn’t even really want to anymore, starting to believe himself when he says to himself that Chris doesn’t even want him in the way he looks right now. The only time he can let go of his own thoughts is when he falls asleep on the couch, not having to fear that Chris might accidently come closer and have the rejection that’ll surely come right after.

 

 

It’s been months since their first fight like that and a day before Thanksgiving that Chris’ mom, dad and sister are visiting since a long time. The first moment they lay eye on Darren, his mom’s mouth drops almost open when she notices the change in Darren. But she recovers quickly, her usual warm smile in place for Darren as she hugs him tightly, frowning a little when he only retaliates with a soft squeeze instead of one of his normal exuberant and crushing hugs. Not getting a chance just yet to talk to Chris alone, she decides to drop it and enjoy their limited time together. With both boys being always so busy at work they hardly really have the time to come to Clovis to visit so when they’re together, time is precious and well used. Chris has been keeping an eye on Darren the entire time and he can’t help the fear that’s building up inside of him. He can see the weight loss, he can see Darren being stressed out more than he ever was and the fights they keep having are starting to get worse and longer. And now, seeing the sort of coolness Darren’s greeting his parents with, that fear only doubles inside of Chris.

Dinner itself isn’t much better, they’re all sitting at the table in the living room, Hannah chatting away with Chris but he can’t seem to keep his attention on her. His eyes automatically keep going back towards Darren next to her. Every other holiday Darren used to be the life of the party, even if it was just them and their parents, he kept entertaining everyone before, during and after dinner to the point where Chris had to reign him back in to give their company a little breather from the whirlwind that is Darren most of the time.  
Eventually though, Hannah just gives up talking with a confused look between Chris and their parents who, by the look they just shared between each other, also notice everything that seems to be wrong .  
The dread inside of Chris is more enforced when he looks at the way Darren is simply pushing his food around his plate, and he has to stop himself from hitting himself over the head when slowly alarm bells go off in his head as little pieces of the puzzle seem to fit together.  
He almost chokes in the bite he just took, doubling over in his chair when his air is cut off for a second before he’s able to straighten up again and take a sip of the proffered water by his mom. As he looks up into Darren’s eyes, he sees his boyfriend staring at him, his eyes shining with unshed tears before he steals his expression again and just pushes himself away from the table and all but flees from the living room. The loud bam of the bathroom door being slammed shut makes everyone at the table jump up in their seats and Chris simply breaks down.

 

He drops his head on his folded arms on the table in front of him as tears break free. He doesn’t really know how long he’s been sitting like that, but he startles by a touch on his shoulder and his head snaps back finding his dad looking at him cautiously. “How long has this been going on, Chris?” he asks, his voice laced with worry and sympathy. Through his sobs and tears, Chris chokes out, “A while, I don’t even know.” Looking between his mom and dad, he adds, “It all just clicked right now. I can’t understand why it never did before but … Oh god, but how …” Chris is shaking all over with the notion how severe this could be. He practically leaps from his chair, sprinting towards the bathroom. As soon as he stands in front of the door, he can hear Darren, crying hard interlaced with the sounds of his heavy breathing and chokes. Deciding against knocking he opens the door and what he finds, makes his heart break and he stands nailed to the ground for a few moments. Darren’s leaning over the toilet bowl, one arm propped up on it, hiding half his face and the other clamping around his waist.  
“Oh god Darren!” Chris chokes out as he rushes towards his boyfriend, dropping himself on his knees besides him. “What is going on? Why … Fuck, babe.” he whispers as he runs his hand over Darren’s back, feeling him shiver all over. It’s then that he looks up at Chris, his eyes wide and pleading, starting to say something but suddenly his eyes roll to the back and he drops sideways into Chris’ chest with a soft groan.  
“Darren!” Chris shouts, “Darren, come on baby, open your eyes for me. Mom, Dad! Call an ambulance, Darren’s …” he gets cut off by his own sobs as he holds Darren in his arms. Frantically looking around the bathroom as he keeps whispering for Darren to open his eyes, his gaze falls on the toilet, only now seeing the blood splatters against the edge and he doesn’t even dare to look up more, realizing how bad it might actually look what he’ll see then. “Mom, hurry up, please! Dad!” he yells out of the bathroom, burying his face into Darren’s curls and tightening his hold, now even more than before feeling how fragile and thin Darren has actually gotten. He keeps pleading for him to open his eyes, telling him through his own sobs that everything is going to be okay, hoping himself that it really is.  
It feels like minutes but it’s more likely to be more seconds since he rushed into the bathroom as his mom runs in and his dad following on her heel with his cellphone in hand, already dialing 911. He can hear his dad talking on the phone in the distance, but the only thing right now on his mind and in his sight is Darren in his arms who still hasn’t really opened his eyes. His mom is crouched besides them, gasping when she sees the same that he did just moments earlier and lays her hand on Chris’ shoulder. It all doesn’t register with Chris, he only feels numb except for the feeling of Darren in his arms and suddenly he’s startled out of his state when there’s stumbling right outside the room and two men come in, one holding a large bag with a cross and only now Chris realizes they are the paramedics that came with the ambulance.  
Chris gets softly coaxed into letting Darren go, and even if it’s reluctantly, he does after a few moments as he takes a few steps back. His mom wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him closer to her and he can’t even let it comfort him. His eyes are only on Darren, now being handled by the two men, laying on the floor of their bathroom.  
As they lift him up on the gurney, Chris sees Darren opening his eyes minutely and he can’t help the small gasp that escapes his mouth in relief that he at least opened them for now. The paramedics strap Darren on the gurney and quickly push him out of the room, Chris and his mom following behind. Chris’ dad mumbles something about him staying at the apartment with Hannah who’s by now crying almost uncontrollably on his couch and all Chris can do is nod numbly before his mom pulls him along with her after grabbing his keys and rushing out the door to follow the ambulance to the hospital.

Time goes by in a blur, Chris doesn’t even really realize that they’re at the hospital until his mom pulls open the car door and calls out his name. He snaps out of his thoughts and stumbles trying to get out of the car, almost falling face first on the pavement if it wouldn’t be for his mom standing right in front of him and grabbing him by his upper arms. He lets himself be led into the ER and just lets his mom do the talking until they are ushered into the waiting room of the ER for the time being.

 

‘ _It should’ve been obvious, he should’ve noticed the signs and now he can smack himself over the head that he just didn’t see how far things have gotten.’_ Chris is sitting down in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the ER, waiting for the doctor who’s handling Darren to come out and let him know what exactly is going to happen now.  
His mom is sitting by his side, an arm wrapped around his shoulder, trying to comfort him in the best way possible though she knows it is hardly a comfort at all. Chris is shaking all over, his fingers trembling while he clenches them into fists against the fabric of his pants, tears welling up in his eyes which he wills not to fall but fails anyway. “What am I going to do mom?” he asks, his voice desperate and pleading, as if she has the answer to it all, “I can’t do all this without him.”

She just holds him a bit tighter, kissing the top of his head trying not to let her own tears fall, doing her best to be brave for her son, but also for Darren who by this time has become a second son to both her and Tim, and a brother for Hannah.  
“I know, Chris. He’ll be alright sweetheart, I’m sure he will. And you two will be alright too.” she tries to sooth him, hoping he doesn’t pick up on the strain in her own voice. She desperately wants to believe her own words, but right now, not knowing exactly what happened to Darren is making herself not completely believe it.  
He lifts his head, looking straight at her, his eyes pleading for reassurance and filled with tears, “How do you know that? I don’t even know how I could be so stupid not to see and realize what was happening!” Chris exclaims suddenly, unwillingly chucking her arm from his shoulder, “I should’ve known what was going on! I’m never gonna forgive myself for not even noticing how far things have gone.” His tears fall back over his cheeks, and they’re only fuelling on his rant , “It was only tonight in the bathroom that I actually felt how thin he is. I should’ve noticed, if I just tried a little bit harder to get through to …” His words are being cut off by his own sobs, bending forward and sitting with his face in his hands.  
It breaks Karyn’s heart to see her boy like this, to know the boy he loves so much is laying here in the ER and not sure why exactly. She reaches out again, laying her hand on his back between his shoulderblades and softly starts to run her hand over his back, trying to sooth and calm him down a little bit, “Don’t do this, Chris. This isn’t your fault, let’s just wait for the doctor to tell us what’s wrong, okay? But no matter what, don’t blame yourself for this too.” Right at that moment a doctor steps into the waiting area, a woman in her early forties by the looks of it, sleek brown hair that falls over her shoulders and a tall figure. With a soft smile she walks up to Chris and Karyn and holds out her hand to Chris who just looked up at her when his mom announced her presence, without taking her proffered hand before she drops it to her side again.  
“Mr. Colfer? I’m dr. Harrison, I was the on call doctor when your … Boyfriend?” she tentatively asks and after a small nod from Karyn she continues, “When your boyfriend was brought in earlier. Now, he’s stable, let’s start with that. We’ve put him on an IV to get his hydration level up to par and we’ll very soon, within the hour, be able to do a CAT-scan to try to determine where the blood I was told of, was coming from. But I do have some questions, if you’re up to it. Unfortunately, Mr. Criss hasn’t really been able to give us direct answers. He’s fairly unfocused and confused for the time being but we hope that will start to get better when his fluids are up.” She pauses, looking at Chris now and waits for him to answer her. He just looks at her dazed for a second, his mind lingering on the words _unfocused and confused_ , until he snaps out of it at the thought that also means that he’s awake, or at least awake enough to be able to determine that. He swallows hard, glancing sideways at his mom for a second who takes his hand in hers and just squeezes.  
“Yeah, sure. What questions?” Chris asks, his voice soft and trembling. Dr. Harrison takes a seat next to Chris and turns a bit to face him, “Now, did Mr. Criss ever had any problems with his weight before? I know this might sound blunt, but after what I’ve seen and found this is a very important question to determine what exactly is happening to him.”  
He shakes his head, trying to think of a time when Darren really indicated having any problem with his weight but not recalling any except the obvious start of his exercise and jogging. “He’s always been fairly normal when it comes to weight, I’ve never known that he weighed too much or anything.”  
The doctor smiles sympathetically at Chris, “Well, to be fair, it doesn’t always have to be too much. But what I get from your answer is that the opposite hasn’t been an issue either?”  
“What? No, he’s never weighed too little either, …” Chris suddenly takes in a shaky breath, “I never noticed at least.” He looks up at her, an almost ashamed expression in his eyes as he adds in a whisper, “I didn’t even notice it this time.”  
“That’s not uncommon Mr. Colfer, people close to the patient rarely really see the true damage that’s been done until it gets too far. But we have contacted his physician just before I came out here and we’re going to have to rule out everything to get to the bottom of this. And he did tell me, that a few weeks ago, Mr. Criss has visited him and he advised Mr. Criss to get another check up within weeks since his weight had dropped so dramatically and his blood pressure had been much too high. Now from what he’d told me, your boyfriend didn’t really acknowledge anything being wrong to his physician. So I do have to ask this, did you notice any change in his daily routine, his eating habits or even lack of them?”  
“He …” Chris starts, suddenly remembering all these times that Darren had claimed not to be hungry or when he did eat a bit, rushing to the bathroom not long after, always the excuse of not feeling all too well at hand. “He started jogging and exercising earlier this year and that’s also when he stopped drinking alcohol or ordering take out. I never really dwelled on that, he just said he wanted to change our lifestyle a little, try to get healthier again. But yeah, come to think of it, I haven’t really seen him eating all that much anymore after either. Well, our lives are incredibly busy, we usually don’t get home at the same time so the meal times have been something we had to do alone but …” He stops, gazing still straight at the doctor who nods for a few moments as she takes a few notes and then closes the chart in her hands again.  
“Okay, we obviously still need to run more tests, and I am not giving any conclusion to what the diagnosis is, but I’m sure by tomorrow we’ll know a lot more.” Dr. Harrison makes a move to stand up but then turns back to Chris, “Oh, I almost forgot. Did he take any prescription medication? Or even over the counter ones, maybe even diet pills or anything? I don’t want to assume but he’s also been tested for drug abuse, I just wanted to let you know that from the beginning.”  
Chris’ sharp intake of breath sounds harsh in the empty waiting room, and he immediately starts, “He didn’t do any drugs, I’m sure of it. That’s … No, he just wouldn’t.” He glances frantically towards his mom as he keeps shaking his head, “And no, no medication. I think at least … I don’t know.” he ends in a small voice, feeling more and more guilty that he doesn’t even know the answer to that question.  
Dr. Harrison does stand up now and nods, “Don’t worry, if there’s anything, we’ll find it. You can come in and see him after he had his CAT-scan. I’ll let a nurse come and get you as soon as it’s over, and then we’ll settle him into a room afterwards for him to get some rest.” And with that she’s gone, leaving Chris trembling with nerves and fear of what might come after.  
He turns to his mom again, asking if he can use her phone for a moment and she hands it to him immediately. He dials his father’s number and without any preamble starts as soon as his dad picks up. “Dad, you gotta search the place for any pills, diet pills or other, I don’t know, everywhere. The ones in the cabinet in the bathroom I know are regular prescription ones for us so there won’t be anything special, but everywhere else, dad. Maybe even the stupidest place where you normally wouldn’t think of looking.” His dad doesn’t respond immediately, a bit taken aback from the outburst of his son through the phone, but quickly regains his composure as he replies shortly and not pressing for any further information, “Okay son, I’ll call as soon as I got anything. Hang in there, Chris.” His dad has hardly stopped talking and Chris has already disconnected the call.

 

Tim looks around the living room for a moment, Hannah has cried herself to sleep on the couch and he quickly throws a blanket over her to keep her warm after he put the phone back on the coffee table. He tries to take in every possible place something can be put away but an uncomfortable feeling creeps up his spine. This is still his son and boyfriend’s place, the feeling that this isn’t his place to be looking through their belongings in the front of his mind but he takes a deep breath before he starts to turn every little thing upside down. It doesn’t really matter at this point, Chris asked him to do it and he knows his son wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.

 

An hour has passed and Chris and his mom are still sitting in the waiting room, Chris cradling a can of diet Coke in his hand and his mom a cup of coffee. He keeps twitching his leg up and down, not able to stop the nerves coursing through his body and he almost drops the can on the floor when a nurse steps inside, calling for him. At the same time his mom’s phone starts to buzz and she quickly answers as he gets up out of the chair to go to the nurse. It doesn’t take long for his mom to join him and she coughs softly, interrupting what the nurse was just about to say. “I’m sorry but my husband, his dad,” she speaks to the nurse, “has just called to let me know that he found some sort of, what he thinks are, diet pills stashed away. And he just sent me a picture of them. I’m not sure if we should give the info to you or …?”  
Quickly nodding the nurse replies, “You’ll see the doctor with Mr.Criss right away, I think it might be best to let her know to start with. She can determine what should be done with it. Now, if you’d follow me please. We’ve relocated Mr. Criss to a room.”  
They follow closely, through the halls of the hospital, Chris’ mind not really noticing where they are going, only focussing on the fact he’s getting to Darren finally. Soon the nurse opens a large sliding door, entering a hallway with all closed doors and they stop at the third door to the left. She knocks and opens it, gesturing for them to head in with a nod as she says, “Dr. Harrison is already inside. I’ll just leave you to it then. Have a good night.” And with that she turns and leaves the way they came, leaving them to enter the room fully and find the doctor standing next to the bed, filling in the chart that lays on the bedside table for now.  
Chris can’t help but rush over to the bed, stopping short at the sight of Darren underneath those stark white sheets, looking so small and so much more fragile than he ever has. It’s an immediate trigger for his tears to start again as he reaches out and takes Darren’s hand in his, squeezing his fingers softly and only focussing on his boyfriend’s face.  
His mom stays at the end of Darren’s bed for now, her eyes showing the heartbreak she feels at the sight in front of her and she quickly averts her gaze, almost feeling as if she’s intruding into a private moment between her son and Darren.  
Dr. Harrison turns to face both of them and sighs softly as she glances at Darren for a moment before she starts to speak. “He’ll probably be sleeping the entire night now, we had to give him a sedative before he went in for the scan cause he started to hyperventilate at some point, but he’s calm right now, so I’m fairly sure he’ll be getting a good night’s rest. As for the tests, we’ve got most of the results already and like you said,” she says looking at Chris who now is staring up at her without letting go of Darren’s hand, “There were no signs of the regular drugs to be found, so we can rule that out and he’s mostly clear for any other abuse of any substance too. Now there still are some things that need to come through, so we’re still holding out for those to make a proper diagnosis. His CAT-scan came out normal, there’s no more hemorrhaging or any other abnormality in his stomach or his chest either so we assume that came from the force he put behind his vomiting.” Suddenly Karyn speaks up, “Oh, right. My husband found this in their apartment, hidden away. He believes they are some kind of diet pills …” She immediately shows the picture of the bottle he sent to the doctor and she hums softly, nodding as she says, “I think it’s safe to assume this mostly explains what has been going on. He’s very dehydrated and together with the symptoms of the high blood pressure and the severe weight loss ... Well, I think I don’t need to paint a picture as to what has happened. The combination of those together with probably stress along with it, I think will be the main factor why he fainted in the first place. So, we’re going to get his fluids up through an IV and tomorrow I’ll make an appointment with the psychologist here that specifically deals with eating disorders. As soon as I got all the test results, I’ll let you know. Do you have any more questions perhaps?”  
Chris can’t think of a single thing right now, his mind still processing everything the doctor just said, so just shakes his head.  
“Okay, if there are any questions however, feel free to ask the nurse and she’ll page me. I’m going to leave you to it now, and trust me, he’s in good hands here.” she adds as she shakes Karyn’s hand and then Chris’ before she turns and leaves the room. Both Chris and his mom stay silent for minutes, he has pulled a chair next to the bed and stays right there, holding Darren’s hand all the while mumbling that he loves him, and that he’s going to be okay. At some point during the evening, Chris’ mom suggests that they should head home and try to get some sleep but Chris simply refuses, not wanting to leave Darren’s side for one minute. So she checks it with the night nurse, who hasn’t got a problem with Chris staying there, and after another little while she leaves the room after hugging her son and kissing Darren’s forehead softly.  
Chris is barely noticing it though, he just stays put in the chair next to the bed, holding onto Darren’s hand and his eyes fixated on Darren’s face. It doesn’t take all too long though, until he leans his head on his arm on the bed next to Darren’s side and falls asleep.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_ Thanksgiving day 7.15am _

 

Opening his eyes slowly, feeling more than seeing the foreign sheets against his skin, Darren moans a little as he feels his throat complain by stinging harshly at the sound. He’s not sure where he is, the soft sounds coming into the room, the dim light that’s streaming through the half closed curtains in the room making him feel desoriëntated at first. It’s only then when he takes in more of his surroundings that he notices the steady pressure of someone’s hand in his. His gaze travels down his arm, feeling as if he moves in slow motion, and tears threaten to spill from his eyes when he sees Chris holding onto his hand, his eyes shut but he can see the movement behind his eyelids as if he’s dreaming vividly. He turns his hand in Chris’, squeezing softly as he keeps his gaze on him. Chris’ eyes flutter open, unfocused at first until he notices what is happening and he practically jumps up in his chair, grabbing Darren’s hand with both of his. Chris swallows a few times and when he speaks his voice sounds a bit hoarse and shaky, “Hey baby, how are you feeling?” Darren just watches him for a moment, not even sure how to answer that and his eyes close for a second as tears roll over his cheeks now. He can feel the bed dip a bit, Chris’ hand now cupping his cheek and he opens his eyes again to look right into Chris’ eyes, the worry and fear clearly visible in them.  
“I don’t …” Darren starts but stops as he feels his throat sting again and he swallows hard, trying to get rid of it.  
“You want some water?” Chris then asks, dropping his hand back to his side, as he waits for Darren to reply. He only nods softly as he pushes himself up in a sitting position, now taking really in where it is that he is laying in a bed. Chris stands up from the bed, pouring some of the bottled water in a glass and hands it to him, and Darren can feel him shaking a little as he takes it from him hand. Taking a tentative sip, he sighs as he swallows, the sting instantly soothed but not gone before he takes another.  
It’s quiet in the room for a few tense moments, the only sounds are Darren’s own breathing and the shaky ones that obviously are coming from Chris, as Darren starts to rethink what happened. It’s only then that he realizes what must’ve happened and he’s starting to panic. His breathing coming out in short puffs while he can feel himself tense up at the thought of what Chris must be thinking right now. His head snaps up suddenly, looking at Chris and at the careful way he’s standing next to his bed. All he can see right now is Chris’ eyes on him, probably judging him for whatever he did the night before and not even really wanting to be here. So he does the only thing that makes sense to himself right now, not wanting to hear the rejection and judgement from the guy he loves so much, when he says, “Leave please, I just … I just want to be alone. You should go home.” His voice is a lot steadier than he thought it would be, and he’s not sure what to think of the sharp intake of breath that comes from Chris, _‘it’s probably relief that he doesn’t have to stay’_ he thinks.  
“What?” Chris asks, looking at Darren in confusion, “Why … No, I have to stay.”  
Darren sighs, closing his eyes for a second as he wills the tears to finally stop falling before he opens them again and looks at Chris coldly, “Just go … Leave me, you don’t have to … Fuck, just go!” He ends up raising his voice at those last words, turning his face to the window to his left and refusing to meet Chris’ eyes again, sure that he’ll only find his own thoughts to be true.  
Chris keeps looking at Darren, stunned and tears are threatening to spill from his eyes as he reaches out to take his boyfriend’s hand. But Darren only pulls it away quickly before he can even touch the back of his hand, and now he really is starting to cry again.  
“Darren, baby, come on. I’m not going to leave you here alone. You shouldn’t be alone right now.” he starts to plead only to get interupted by Darren again, now practically shouting,  
“Will you fucking leave now! Just go …”  
Chris stumbles back a bit, feeling as if he’s just been punched in the stomach, and he doesn’t know what to do right now. Every fiber of his being is shouting at him to stay put, but the coldness in Darren’s voice is enough to make him doubt that too. It’s then that a knock sounds at the door and a nurse walks in, it’s a new nurse and she smiles softly at Chris before looking at Darren who’s still staring to the window.  
“Everything okay here?” she asks softly, more to Chris than to Darren right now, and all Chris can do is shake his head at the same time Darren turns to the nurse and says, his voice still cold and harsher than he’s ever sounded, “It would be if he would just go.”  
Chris is sure the nurse can hear the sob escaping his lips at Darren’s words, but he can’t tear his eyes away from his boyfriend, not when he’s saying that he doesn’t want him to be here, when all Chris wants is to just stay close and be there for him. The nurse takes a step closer to the bed but turns more towards Chris first as she speaks in a hushed voice, “Maybe it’s better if you do go home for now, sir. Come back in a few hours or so if you want.” She adds a bit quieter, “It’s not unusual for people to react like this, don’t worry too much.”  
Chris stares at the nurse, knowing his expression must be close to desperation but he tries to school his features as he nods minutely, before he turns back to his boyfriend, who’s still turned away from him. He reaches out, wanting to at least touch his hand before he goes but stops his movement mid-air when he notices Darren flinching slightly at the gesture already. So with a soft sigh, he drops his arm next to his side again and practically whispers, “I will be back later Dare, I’m not just going to walk away, you know.” He sounds desperate and broken, not sure if he’s actually doing right by leaving but he can feel his own heart shattering to pieces by the coldness he receives from Darren, so he retreats slowly and glances over his shoulder to Darren as he closes the door of the room behind him.

He’s not sure how he got home in one piece when he stumbles through the front door of their apartment and heads straight to the kitchen. The moment he left Darren’s room his tears stopped, feeling a cold creep through every vein in his body and a numbness covering him completely as he drove home on auto pilot. Until now when he walks into his kitchen, after throwing his keys on the side table in the hallway, and finds his mom and dad sitting on his kitchen table with cups of coffee clutched between their hands. They both look up in surprise, clearly not expecting for him to return home so soon, but their expression quickly change when his parents notice the sad one on his own face. Chris just stands there for a moment, looking at them with his eyes wide open and his mouth opening and closing a few times before any sound comes out, “He told me to leave.” he says quietly and now the tears start up again, saying it out loud to someone else than just himself, making it all the more real. “Mom, he didn’t want me there with him, he just … he just …” In a matter of a second, Karyn is up on her feet and in front of him, pulling Chris into a hug and all he can do is cling to her right now, fisting his hands in the back of her sleep dress as he cries. She softly shushes him, one hand soothingly rubbing his back as he holds him tight into her embrace. His face is buried into her shoulder, his sobs only getting louder with every passing second and they stay like that for a long while. He’s not sure how long they’ve been standing there but when his tears subside a little, his mom coaxes him into sitting in between her and Tim, his dad already pushing a cup of coffee in front of him without saying a word. Chris looks up at him thankfully, only managing a soft ‘Thank you’ before he grabs the cup and takes a tentative sip. It’s exactly how he likes it, and right now he can’t be more grateful for his parents to be here right now. He doesn’t want to think about it, but he also can’t imagine how things would’ve gotten down if they weren’t here when Darren collapsed. He gets pulled out of his thoughts when his mom asks what exactly happened at the hospital that made him leave and Chris has to swallow hard a few times before he can tell them.

When he’s done recounting what’s been said, he stops for a second and looks up into his mom’s eyes and she can clearly see the frightened look into his as he adds with a shaky voice, “I’ve never heard him like that mom, not even when we had a fight. You should’ve seen the way he looked at me, I’ve never known him to look at me with so much coldness in his eyes.”  
“Oh sweetheart,” Karyn mumbles as she reaches over the table and puts her hand on his, squeezing it softly. “I can’t imagine though, that he’d really want you gone. I know what you just said but …” She sighs, trying to contemplate how and what she should say, “Just don’t give up on him, no matter what he says, okay? I know that can and will be difficult but I’m sure he loves you more than life itself. And I know you do too so, … Go freshen up, take a shower and maybe try to get some more sleep. When Hannah wakes up, we’re going to go to the shops for a while, trying to take her mind off things too.” At the mention of his sister, Chris suddenly looks back up from where he was staring into his coffee cup, “How’s Hannah? Is she okay?”  
It’s his dad that answers now, a crack in his voice audible when he starts, “She cried herself to sleep on the couch yesterday night. She’s scared for Darren and I tried to explain as much as I could to her but … Well, you know he’s just like a brother to her, she loves him endlessly but she’ll be okay.” All of them stay silent after that, each lost in their own thoughts and it’s not until Hannah walks into the kitchen, showered and dressed almost an hour later, that all of them look up in surprise at the time.  
The moment Hannah sees Chris sitting on the table, she practically leaps towards him, her arms tightly around him as she buries her face in the crook of his neck. “How is he? Is Darren going to be okay? When can I go and visit him?” she asks in one breath before she looks up at her brother. Chris smiles a bit sadly at her, doing his best not to show too much of his worries to her and answers, “He’ll be okay, I don’t know when but he’ll be fine. But I think it’s going to take a little bit until you can visit him. I’m not sure though, I’ll ask later when I go back to the hospital.” She nods and starts to turn towards their mom but then she abruptly focuses back on Chris, “Wait, why are you home? Shouldn’t you be in the hospital with Darren?”  
He almost lets out a choked sob at the question, but can refrain himself just in time before he says, “I just came home to shower and change my clothes. Darren was asleep anyway.”  
“Oh, okay then. You will tell him I love him when you go back, right?” Hannah asks him as almost an afterthought and all he can do is just nod as he can feel his throat constrict with his emotions.  
  


After merely moments, Chris pushes back his chair, suddenly announcing that he’s going to take a shower as he stands up and walks out of the room, his parents following his retreating form with worry in their eyes. He doesn’t stop into their bedroom, just heads straight into the bathroom and strips himself from his clothes while he lets the water in the shower run already. It’s only when his eyes unconsciously fall on the place where Darren was sitting that he just breaks down and slides down on the floor, his back against the wall next to the shower, sobbing uncontrollably for what seems hours with his arms wrapped around his knees. A soft knock and the door opening slightly, makes him look back up, finding his dad leaning against the doorframe with a concerned look.  
“He is going to be okay, Chris.” Tim says softly, “We’re all here for him and for you, son. Just remember that, you’re not alone in all this.” That last sentence elicits a soft smile from Chris, looking up at his dad as he says, “You almost sound like one of his songs.” But the moment he has spoken those words, tears all already spilling back from his eyes. So his dad crouches down next to him, puts a hand on his bare shoulder and squeezes gently, “He’s a smart guy, he’s just … I don’t know, he just lost his path for a moment here. He’ll get there again, with you. Now go and take that shower.” Tim stands back up, smiling at his son before he leaves the bathroom again after Chris saying softly, “Thank you dad. i love you.”  
“I love you too Chris, we all do.” Tim replies before he shuts the door behind him.

Chris takes his shower in a record time, not in the mood to draw it out like he usually does whenever he gets the chance and soon enough he’s back out, toweled dry and walking towards their bedroom to quickly put on some fresh clothes. After dressing himself he heads back out, finding the door to their joined work room ajar and he snaps his head up, calling his dad throughout the hallway. Tim comes towards him fairly quickly, making Chris think that he must’ve been anticipating his call, and looks between the opened door and Chris for a moment. “Did you happen to find the pills in here, dad?” Chris asks without any preamble, cutting right to the chase. His dad sighs and looks behind him towards the living room for a second before gesturing for them to go inside. As soon as the door shuts behind them, Tim runs a hand through his hair and nods towards a guitar case in the corner of the room. “The bottles were in there.” he says silently and Chris can only stare at the case, looking at it as if it offended him in any way. “You got to be kidding me? In there? Why would he …” In a very similar way to his dad, Chris runs his hand through his own hair as the walks to the guitar case, opening it with a sigh when he finds it empty. “I always thought he kept his old guitar in here. I mean, not that I had a reason to doubt that, but … Fuck, why?”  
Sighing tiredly Tim shakes his head, “I don’t know. Didn’t he ever tell you anything about it? Even in a hidden way or something.”  
“I’m not sure anymore, maybe … Maybe I just never picked up on it with being so busy and all. I don’t know.” Chris replies as he closes the case again and looks around the room. It’s filled to his maximum almost, mostly Darren instruments stashed away here and a few bookcases along with two desks, one for each of them with their computers on top of them.  
Coughing softly, Chris’ dad says, “We’re heading out in a few minutes, do you need me to stay or something? I can if you want.”  
“No, dad. Just go out with Hannah, she needs it too. I’ll just … I’ll just try to figure some stuff out here.” Chris answers almost absentmindedly, his eyes still roaming the room as if it’s the first time he’s seen it. “Okay, we’ll be back in a few hours. See you later, son.” Tim speaks up before leaving Chris alone in the room.  
  


When he hears the click of the door closing, Chris’ gaze snaps towards Darren’s computer and heads over to it, settling himself on the desk immediately. He starts the computer, quickly typing in Darren’s password and waits for it to start up completely. Right now he couldn’t be happier that both of them have each other’s passwords in case of something urgent, the feeling that here he might find some answers, since there are no clues as to what Darren had been doing exactly evident anywhere else. When Darren’s desktop pops up, a picture of the two of them from when they first moved into their apartment as a background, Chris’ eyes fall on one of the few links that are fixed on the taskbar at the bottom. It’s one he’s never seen before, it doesn’t look even remotely familiar and he clicks it after a moment of hesitation.  
Surprised to find that it opens a diary site, Chris looks at it in confusion for a few seconds but then shakes his head and tries to enter the login. It’s remarkably easy for him to log on to it, Darren has used his normal personal email account and his usual password for it so soon he finds himself staring at what is apparently a homepage of Darren’s online diary.  
“What the fuck?” he mumbles as he clicks the first entry made, scanning over the words quickly.

_ April 20th  _ _okay, I finally found some pills online and ordered them immediately. Now here’s hoping they’ll get the job done. Oh yeah, I also started jogging and exercising again. Really, really want to get rid of that belly of mine. Ugh, …  
Chris got home early today, but didn’t say anything just yet. I want to make sure that it’ll help before I mention it to him. I’m positive though he’ll try to talk me out of it…_

Squinting at the mention of Darren deliberately hiding this from him, Chris quickly clicks on another date a bit further along, starting to read them more deliberately.

 

_ June 13th _ _Shooting is finally done, now it’s waiting for the completion of it and I can’t wait to see it. I can feel things have changed with me, and some of the staff complimented me earlier on my weight loss. There’s still a bit that I do need to lose, but I’m sure I’ll get there.  
Been having some issues with Chris though. Not sure why but we keep having these arguments about the stupidest things … Although, mostly I think he doesn’t like the way I look these days and it shows in his comments and looks he’s giving me. He tries to hide them, but I can see it clearly …_

 

_ September 1st _ _Fuck!! Can I swear here for a few moments, I hate it when we fight but we can’t seem to stop it either. I’m just so scared Chris will finally realize that he doesn’t want me like this anymore. I just know I’m not the way I used to be. …_

 

_ September 27th _ _Went to the doctor today. Haven’t really been feeling well but apparently my blood pressure was on the high side. He kept asking about my weight though … Told him all would be fine, that I was just stressed and that showed in my weight loss. I’m not sure he was all that convinced though. Of course not, the few pounds I’ve lost are hardly noticeable at the moment. I can’t believe he actually brought it up, but well, he’s a doctor so I guess even half a pound can be a lot for them._

_Started sleeping on the couch too last night, I can’t bear to think of the rejection Chris is sure to give if he should accidentally wrap his arms around me in his sleep and realizes I’m not the one he fell in love with._

_Still can’t tell him about the pills though … Not anymore, not after I see him looking at me and I just know it’s because I don’t fit his ideal anymore. …_

 

_ October 17th _ _I can’t … I just can’t see it. Why doesn’t this work anymore … I can see the way the others look at me. I know they only look at me and pity me. Fuck, I need to write again, but those stares aren’t doing me any good either.  
My head hurts and my stomach feels like it has needles in it. Maybe if I only … I don’t even know. Chris said something today again about when we were on Glee, the way people loved me even without those abs like Chord’s or Harry’s. God, I know that was just his way of telling me I’ve always been too fat. I don’t even know why he started seeing me …_

 

_ November 12th _ _Gotta keep myself up … Chris’ parents are coming over for thanksgiving and it’s been months since I’ve seen them. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out. I don’t want to see the way they’ll be sure to look at me. Fuck, I can’t keep doing this … I need to talk to Chris, I really do … I know that. But what if he doesn’t want me anymore once he figures out how much of a lost cause I really am. I can’t even keep my weight down anymore.  
FUCK! …_

 

_ November 22d _ _I didn’t talk to Chris._   
_I hate this … I hate the way I look … I fucking hate me …_   
  


Chris kept reading, up until Darren’s last entry, merely a few days ago and practically chokes on a sob that escapes his lips as he reads his boyfriend’s words. He sits there for minutes, staring at the screen with a horrified look on his face. He can’t believe Darren actually started believing that he didn’t really love him anymore because of the way he thinks he looks.  
Now though, things are starting to fall into place in Chris’ mind, all the fights, the way Darren reacted and the real reason he actually started sleeping on the couch. It’s so difficult to comprehend though, every single thing Darren has been hiding from Chris, every single thought that led up to this point and all Chris can really think right now is that it’s his fault. That he should’ve noticed more, asked more, maybe even demanded for Darren to sit down and really talk to him whenever they had words in the past months. Conversations keep running through his mind, endlessly on repeat, his own words resounding in his head now and realizing how Darren could’ve taken them in his mindset.  
He pushes himself off the desk and runs out of the room, not even bothering to close the computer again and without even grabbing a jacket, he takes his keys and heads outside to his car.

Much like when he came back from the hospital, the ride has gone by in a blur, his mind filled with guilt, worry and too many emotions to describe. He keeps going over Darren’s diary entries in his mind, especially the last ones are hitting something deep inside of him. _‘How can he hate himself like that?’_ Chris thinks, feeling tears already starting to well up in his eyes again as he parks his car in the parking lot. “Fuck!” he exclaims running his hand through his hair before punching the steering wheel in front of him. Wiping away the wet tracks on his cheeks he gets out of his car and rushes over the lot straight through the big entrance hall and into the elevator up to Darren’s floor.  
As soon as he walks through the hallway of Darren’s floor and is near the door of his room, Chris sees what he presumes to be the psychologist coming out of it and he picks up his pace, crossing the few steps that separate them quickly so he’s standing next to her.  
“Excuse me? Are you Darren’s psychologist?” he asks a little out of breath because his rushing up to the floor.  
She turns to face Chris completely and smiles softly at him as she answers him, “Yes, I’m dr. Hayes.” She reaches her hand out for him to take as they both simultaneously take a step to the side when a nurse passes them. “I assume you’re Mr. Colfer, right?”  
He shakes her hand briefly, glancing towards Darren’s door and nods, “Yeah, I am.” He breathes in, looking back at the slightly smaller woman in front of him now and adds, “How is he?”  
Following Chris’ earlier line of sight, she nods shortly and says, “My office is right there around the corner, do you mind going in there to discuss this? I know you want to see Mr. Criss but it won’t take too long, I promise.”

The smile on her face is comforting, and even though Chris had been anxious to get to Darren, he’s quick to agree and follows her through the hallway, around the corner and into her office. As soon as they’re both seated, Dr. Hayes behind her desk and Chris in front of it, she starts,  
“Well, to get through to the bottom of this, it’ll take some time and regular sessions but I’m fairly sure with the right help and support he’s going to be better in the end. Look, I don’t want to be blunt or anything, but I just want to tell you like it is. It’s not going to be easy, neither for him or for you. He told me he’d sent you away earlier today, but I could also see in an instant how much that actually hurt him too. Mr. Criss isn’t as far gone in all of this as you might assume, he’s in a way lucky that this happened. From what I’ve gathered this is a fairly recent development right?” She asks this but when noticing Chris’ confused look is quick to continue before he can even answer. “Recent to me is something that isn’t happening for a course of years. Most of my patients in this situation are suffering from any form of an eating disorder for years already before they end up in my office.”  
At this Chris nods slowly, almost mumbling as he says, “Oh okay. Euhm … I guess from april to now that it is recent then.” he looks up and sees the questioning look on Dr. Hayes’ face so he elaborates quickly, “I just found … Well, I found diary entries on his computer just today after I came back from the hospital and that’s when it started, when he ordered those pills. And they …” Chris swallows hard, trying to get rid of the lump that started to form in his throat. “I don’t even know why he started hating himself the way he does now.” he adds in a whisper, his heart breaking merely at the thought of those entries again. “And why I didn’t even see it. I mean, I knew something was wrong but … I just …” Chris shakes his head, dropping his gaze to his hands fidgeting in his lap.  
“Mr. Colfer, you shouldn’t blame yourself for not seeing it, it’s something most people don’t until something like this happens. Now, like I said, it’s going to get time to get through everything. The most important thing though is just be there for him at this point, if he tells you to go, you can give him his space as long as in the end you’re still there for him, cause after a little while he will need you. But still, this was my first conversation with him, so I don’t have the full story and way to handle him yet, but I’m seeing him every day for as long as he’s hospitalized and we’ll have probably have weekly sessions once he’s out. But on that note I do want to ask you something, though I’ll check with Mr. Criss tomorrow if it’s okay with him too. If you can, is it possible for me to read through those entries?”  
“Euhm, yeah, I guess …” Chris answers quietly, “But I do want Darren to agree, cause … I don’t know, he doesn’t even know yet I read them so.”  
“Of course,” Dr. Hayes answers quickly, “I will talk to him about that like I said anyway, but thank you. And I think it would be best for us to talk regularly at this moment too, just to fill you in on how he’s doing, okay?”  
Nodding Chris smiles a little sadly as he already starts to get up out of his seat again. He holds out his hand to shake hers as he says, “That’ll be great, thank you. I’m sorry, I don’t want to be rude, but I really want to go see Darren.”  
She takes his proffered hand smiling at him, “Of course, I think all’s been said for this moment anyway. And we’ll talk again soon.”  
  


Chris hurries now out of the office, straight back around the corner towards Darren’s room and stops in front of it. He takes in a shaky breath before knocking softly and waits for a moment. When he doesn’t hear an answer, he just opens the door quietly and looks inside, his eyes immediately falling to Darren laying on his side with his back towards him now. Chris doesn’t say anything as he walks inside, shutting the door behind him with a soft click and he hesitates for just a moment before he crosses the room, walking around Darren’s bed and stops where he’s facing Darren now.  
Darren closes his eyes the moment Chris walks into his view, holding them close tightly to not let the tears start to spill again. He’s been crying the entire time his doctor was in the room talking to him and he wants it to stop, but feeling Chris’ presence even when he can’t see him right now is enough to let it happen anyway.  
Chris watches Darren for a few moments helplessly, not sure what to do until he can see some tears escaping the guy’s eyes and he pulls the chair next to his bed a little closer and drops himself on it. He leans forward, hands reaching over to Darren’s and he clasps them between his own as he speaks softly, his voice shaking and unsteady, “Baby, please, look at me. It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” When Darren doesn’t immediately responds he just continues, his hold on Darren’s hands tightening a little bit, “Darren I know you sent me away earlier, but I can’t leave you here alone. I want to be here, please just let me be here for you. I love you, I can’t …” Chris’ voice breaks of in a silent sob, closing his eyes shortly when his breathing catches in his throat.  
Hearing Chris’ words cut off like that Darren slowly opens his eyes, blinking a few times rapidly to be able to see through the blur of tears in his eyes. When he looks at Chris now, Darren can feel his heart speed up and his breathing halt as he takes in the way Chris looks.  
His eyes puffy and red, his lower lip softly trembling and a frown on his face that seems to be fixed there through the entire time he’s looking at him. As Chris opens his eyes again and notices Darren’s gaze on him, he can’t help the soft but sad smile appearing on his lips. Even in these circumstance, Darren’s eyes capture him instantly, and he’s not able to look away from those depths he finds in them. Breathing in shakily once more he says, “Please, talk to me sweetheart. I’m right here.”  
Darren fidgets with his fingers underneath Chris’ for a moment, and when the latter loosens his hold a bit, Darren lifts a hand up to his own face and runs over it and into his curls. A sigh escapes his lips after hearing Chris’ words, and he knows how he felt earlier, knows why he sent him away but he can’t help the warmth spreading through his entire body either as they settle into his mind. Though it’s quickly washed away again by the fear of rejection rushing through his mind once more, his fingers start trembling softly as he clears his throat and says quietly, “I … I can’t. You’ll … You won’t want …” His voice cuts off, unconsciously not even wanting to finish his sentence out of that exact fear.

Chris blinks a few times at Darren, the few words clicking in place suddenly and it shatters his heart again when it hits him what Darren is actually wanting to say. He realizes what his boyfriend must be thinking and feeling, and he wants to be careful with his own actions but he can’t help himself when he stands up, not letting go of Darren’s hand, and sits himself back down on the bed close next to Darren. Shaking his head barely visible, he lifts his free hand and cups the other’s cheek before he trails his fingers until they reach underneath Darren’s chin to lift his gaze back up at him. “Oh baby, you can talk to me, I want you to. And no, I’ll always want that, and I’ll always want you, no matter what.” He goes to cup his cheek again, his thumb slowly caressing Darren’s cheekbone as he looks straight into those gorgeous eyes of him, “I love you sweetheart, I’ll never not want you, doesn’t matter what you say to me now.” Staying silent, hoping his words will somehow sink in with Darren, Chris keeps his gaze locked on the other’s.  
Darren’s breathing has started speeding up throughout Chris’ talking, wanting to believe him with all his heart but on the other side, there’s a part of him that just doesn’t want to acknowledge that, doesn’t believe that he’d actually want him, not after how he can’t even take care of his looks and body or after the lies that still lay between them, clearly all his own fault in his mind. So he just keeps silent, shaking his head to indicate he can’t and then turns his gaze away to the window again, leaving Chris to drop his hand in his lap and stay there speechless, not sure what to do next. But he does stay put until visiting hours are far passed and the night nurse has to urge him to go home, only leaving with the promise he’d be back first thing in the morning. This keeps lasting for days in a row, Darren not even looking at Chris but Chris being there nonetheless, most of the time just silent but still there. Those nights Chris hardly gets any sleep, when he tries all he can think of is the silent fear he can clearly see in Darren’s eyes, wishing he was able to help him and that Darren would actually let him. And when after a few hours Chris still hasn’t gotten any sleep he mostly gets up out of bed, careful not to wake his parents or sister who are still staying with him, and heads to their work room, rereading Darren’s diary entries over and over again. He’s got them practically memorized but still, he keeps going over them, trying to find some things that might be something of help.

After 4 days of hardly any sleep and silence during the days in the hospital, Chris walks into the room finding Darren sitting up in his bed the IV gone and completely free of any wires that were still there the night before when he left. Chris crosses the room, forgoing the chair and sitting on the bed close next to Darren’s thigh. Darren’s not meeting his gaze, which isn’t a surprise by now but every day Chris hopes it’s going to be the day that he finally starts to really look at him again. He’s fidgeting with the hem of his shirt nervously as he keeps looking down at his hands. And Chris can’t see him act so anxious, missing the almost eternal bubble of happiness Darren used to be. So he reaches out his hand, placing his over Darren’s and stills them effectively. It does surprise him though that Darren doesn’t pull them away, and Chris can’t help but smile at that, feeling a tiny bit of relief wash over him at that action.  
They stay like that for a little while, both guys looking at their hands until Darren lifts his gaze to Chris and speaks up, his voice barely audible, “I’m so sorry Chris. I never wanted … I’m just so sorry.”  
Surprised Chris glances up and smiles tentatively at his boyfriend, “You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. Nothing at all, okay?” He starts rubbing his thumb soothingly over Darren’s knuckles as he continues, “I don’t want you to apologize for something you can’t help. You didn’t do anything wrong, at all.” He’s not sure if Darren will even respond again, so he’s all but holding his breath until it escapes from between his lips when Darren does answer.  
“I lied to you. I hid those … I wanted to tell you, but … but I just couldn’t …” Darren takes a deep breath, and Chris can feel his entire body tremble as he goes on, “I was … I’m still so scared.” He’s voice is barely a whisper when he says it, and it makes Chris’ heart ache for his lover, his stomach doing unpleasant swoops at hearing that.

He’s not sure if he’s going to be pushed away, but Chris does take the chance and scoots closer to Darren, one leg now tucked underneath him so he can easily wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders and hold him tight in a hug. Feeling him in his arms this close since the night he’s been brought into hospital, Chris exhales roughly as he closes his eyes and tightens his hold a little bit. Relieved that Darren doesn’t push him off, but even lets his arms circle around his waist, Chris starts crying silently. “I know you couldn’t, sweetheart. It’s okay though, but if you want to I’m here. I’m right here for you.” he whispers as he hooks his chin over Darren’s shoulder and just keeps holding his trembling body close. “And I know you are scared, Dare. But never be scared about me not wanting you, okay? I love you.” Chris adds, whispering the words against the skin of Darren’s neck. He’s doing his best not to let Darren feel his tears, but it’s difficult when now he can clearly feel the effect those pills and who knows what else Darren did, had on his body. All those long weeks leading up to this point, where Darren just slept on the couch and practically avoiding being in close proximity of Chris are suddenly really making sense to Chris. But for now he just tries to push those images away and concentrate on the relief he’s feeling now that Darren is actually holding him back.  
They stay just like that, Darren letting his tears flow freely but not saying anything anymore just yet, until both guys get startled by a nurse coming into the room.  
“Oh, I’m sorry.” she says apologetically, “I was just coming in to check on Darren here, to see if he needed anything else to drink or so?”

Dropping his hands now to Darren’s sides, Chris turns to look at his boyfriend briefly who just nods minutely before he turns back to the nurse. “If he needs anything, I’ll make sure he has it and otherwise I’ll just let you know. Thank you.”  
“That’s fine,” the nurse says with a gentle smile, “I’ll just leave you to it. And again, sorry for disturbing.” She says those last words as she already walks back out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Looking back at Darren, Chris sighs before he asks, “You need anything though?”  
Darren just shakes his head as he glances up at him, “I’m okay. I …” He pauses, his expression a bit thoughtful as he licks his lips in a nervous gesture. “I think I want to talk a bit about …” Darren gestures with his hands between them and Chris can’t help the thankful smile that creeps on his lips. “Of course sweetheart, whatever you want.”  
His eyes flickering between Chris and the door of his room, Darren quietly asks, “Can we … Can we get out of here for a little while?”  
Chris cocks an eyebrow in surprise but is quick to reassure him, “Yeah, we can do that. Just … Just let me go check with the nurse and I’ll be right back okay?” Darren nods, starting to fidget with the hem of his shirt again the moment Chris stands up from the bed and heads out of the room. He’s still in the same position when Chris walks back in, pushing a wheelchair inside with a shrug of his shoulders as he notices Darren’s questioning gaze on him.  
“Yeah, I know. They said it would be better since you could still be a bit too weak to walk for a while.” He settles the wheelchair to the side of Darren’s bed and walks around it until he’s standing right in front of Darren again. Leaning in a bit, he takes Darren’s hands away from his shirt, soothingly rubbing over the back of them as he almost whispers, “It’s alright you know, you don’t have to if you can’t or don’t want to. We can easily just take a walk, that’s okay for me too.”

At this Darren lifts his gaze completely up to stare into his eyes, Chris can clearly see the comprehension in them but is already happy that he’s willing to even go outside with him.  
“Thank you Chris.” Darren croaks out, his voice filled with emotion, and breathes out slowly before Chris simply replies, “It’s nothing, baby. Come on, let’s get out of here for now.”

He helps Darren stand up, immediately letting his arm wrap around Darren’s waist as he sways a bit on his feet and leads him to the wheelchair, easing Darren into it after helping him put on his coat. He can’t help the smile on his face though, as he pushes Darren through the door and into the hallway, glancing over at the nurses station where two of the nurses smile bright and encouragingly at him before he turns his attention back to where he’s going and heads off to the elevators.

As soon as they’re on the ground floor, Chris leads Darren out through the large doors, to the right where there’s a small entrance leading towards a rather large garden right next to the hospital building. It’s mostly just grass with flower beds around the edges and a path dividing the lawn in a seemingly random pattern. Silently Chris pushes Darren down the path for a while, just taking in the sun shining though it’s still quite cold, but neither of them will get cold too much since they’re dressed perfectly for a day like this. After walking for another few minutes, Chris sees a vacant bench a bit further away and when they get there, he stops the chair next to it, taking a seat close to Darren himself.  
Darren’s gaze is on his hands again on his lap, but Chris doesn’t say anything just yet, he just reaches out and covers Darren’s hands with one of his own. His eyes are on his boyfriend all the time, trying to gauge his reactions, either good or bad and counts it as another win when Darren looks up at the touch, a weak smile on his lips.  
“Seriously, thank you Chris, for this … for … for not leaving me although I screamed at you that you should.”  
Chris has to strain a little to hear what Darren is saying, his voice is so soft and faint that he can’t help but scoot closer until he’s sitting on the edge of the bench, his knees nearly bumping against Darren’s now.  
“You don’t have to thank me Dare, I know why you said that. It hurt to be honest, but that is nothing compared to what you’re going through. But I love you and that’s not going to stop, no matter how many times you tell me to go, I’m not leaving you.” Chris answers quickly, looking straight into Darren’s eyes and hopes he can see the sincerity behind his words in his eyes.  
“You really still … I can’t believe … I don’t understand why and how you can still love me like this?” Darren whispers, casting his gaze back down to where Chris’ hand is still covering his.  
  


Taking a deep shuddering breath, Chris says, “I read your diary entries. I know the doctor asked you if she could read them and that you refused but I read them, Darren. I know you wanted to talk to me about it but just couldn’t, and how you feel about yourself.” He squeezes Darren’s fingers for a moment, hoping he would look back up and when he does, Chris continues,  
“You’re so amazing, and you’re beautiful … Always have been and always will be. But most of all, it’s just you … I love you.” He stops now, choking up a little when he sees the defeated, lost and broken look Darren now has in his eyes.  
Darren swallows hard, knowing that if he doesn’t say what he wants to say now that he’s feeling just a tad better at this moment, it might never come again depending how tomorrow will be.  
“I love you Chris, so much but …” he pauses, a single tear leaking from the corner of his eyes though he doesn’t even notice it, “So you know why I wanted to lose my weight?”  
Nodding slightly, Chris says, “Not completely but I got the gist of it when I read about the shoot you did earlier this year.”  
Darren huffs a little, a bit surprised still that Chris actually knows all of that now, and starts to explain. It takes several times to start over when he’s starting to choke up or just freezes at a particular bad thought he’d been having. But in the end, and more than an hour later, Chris listens to the last thing Darren is saying about that thanksgiving evening when he looked up at Chris and saw the realization set in.  
“I was so sure you’d want me gone. I can’t even stay on my weight, I mean, just look at me …” Darren glances away from Chris now again, staring into the distance to their left as his breathing is getting heavier and he feels himself slowly starting to tense up again.

“Oh Dare, please, no!” Chris exclaims, almost sliding of the bench until he’s sitting on his knees in front of Darren in his wheelchair. He lifts his hands, cradling Darren’s face in his hands as he gently coaxes his boyfriend to look at him. “If you could only see yourself through my eyes. Then you’d see how perfect you actually are. I realize you’re not going to believe me, but you really need to gain some again. You’re so thin right now, and I’m so scared for you. I don’t want to lose you to this baby, please.” Chris is practically pleading with Darren now, knowing this probably isn’t the right way to handle it but at this moment he doesn’t know what else to say. “I know you don’t see it yourself, but sweetheart, …” He stops talking, quiet sobs escaping his throat as he keeps his gaze on Darren’s face before he drops his hands into his boyfriend’s lap. Tears are running over his cheeks, but he doesn’t even feel them, he can only keep looking into those gorgeous eyes of Darren. Chris does break his gaze with Darren to close his eyes though, the moment he feels Darren’s hand cup his cheek and his thumb brushing away the tears.  
“Don’t cry, Chris.” Darren whispers and a shiver runs through Chris’ spine as he hears the rough edge in it, “I’m not worth those tears. I love you but I’m not …” He shakes his head softly and sighs dropping his hand back into his lap as he starts to shiver a little.  
Opening his eyes at the sudden loss of contact and Darren’s words, Chris breathes in sharply and straightens up a little before he stands up. He takes another deep breath before stepping behind Darren and leans in close, putting his hands on Darren’s shoulder and his lips closer to Darren’s ear.  
“You are so much worth those and so much more too, Dare. I’ll show you, I promise.” Chris says before brushing a quick kiss over Darren’s cheek and stands up again, pushing Darren back over the path into the hospital.

Once they arrive back into Darren’s room, Chris gently helps Darren out of his coat and hangs it up on the coathanger on the back of the door. The moment he turns around again, he sees Darren struggling to get up out of the wheelchair and he crosses the few steps between them quickly, sliding his hand back around Darren’s waist and leads him to the bed where he lays down immediately, curling himself up on his side not even glancing up at Chris.  
“I can’t even get myself in bed right now …” Darren speaks so softly it’s barely audible, but Chris can hear the pure devastation in it, how heartbroken and utterly desperate he sounds.

He reaches out, pushing some stray curls away from his forehead when the door opens quietly after a single soft knock. Dr. Hayes enters the room, her eyes gentle but intently on Darren in an instant as Chris looks up at her.  
“Mr Colfer.” she greets him, extending her hand to shake it the moment she stands next to Darren’s bed which he does and then drops it immediately back next to his boyfriend as he sits in the little space there is next to him on the bed. “I was here just a little earlier but I heard you two went out for a little walk outside? That’s really good for him, and I think it might be for you too. Darren?” she asks, turning the conversation towards him, “I’d like to talk to you about a few things.”  
Barely lifting his head, Darren glances to the side, his eyes on Chris since he’s not able to see Dr. Hayes standing behind him. Chris smiles sadly down at him, taking his hand from where they’re clasped together in front of his chest and squeezes his fingers gently.  
Chris is the one to actually look at Darren’s doctor now, he’s not sure how his expression is but he only hopes she will get what he’s trying to let come across.

Dr. Hayes pauses a moment and then nods towards Chris before looking purposely to Darren even though he’s still not really acknowledging her presence in the room. It’s only now that Chris notices she’s holding a few bundles of paper and flicks his eyes towards them curiously for a moment before turning his attention back to the doctor.  
“Okay, I just wanted to let you in on some of the possibilities you can go through right now. Now these are both choices that can benefit you either way we decide.” She hands the brochures to Chris now, who takes them and flips through them quickly before looking back at Darren. He’d let go of his hand to take the brochures from the doctor but now entwines their fingers together again as he dips his head a little to catch Darren’s eyes.  
“Dare, sweetheart, why don’t you sit up a bit? This is something you have to decide too.” he asks quietly after making sure Darren’s attention was on him.  
Darren takes a shuddering breath as he closes his eyes again for a moment but nods minutely anyway, before he turns on his back and pushes himself up so he’s sitting now. Chris is already lifting the head of his bed and making sure he’s sitting comfortable, and Darren can’t help the small smile curling up the corners of his mouth at the gesture.  
When, like now, he’s not in such a big haze of self-deprecation, he can see the way Chris still loves him, always has prior but those times has turned out to be less and less during the past months and the doubt keeps nagging in the back of his mind anyway.  
When he lifts his gaze to meet his doctor’s, she starts again, “Those are two flyers for two separate medical centers. They’re both here in New York so I think that isn’t an obstacle in any way, but the difference is that one is a completely residential and the other has an outpatient program. Shortly said, with the latter you get to go home at night after a 10 or 11 hour day in treatment.”  
Darren can’t help but just look at his doctor, not sure what to say or what to do, he knows the problem he has as the rest sees it, but he can’t really acknowledge to himself the problem he has either at this moment. Chris keeps gazing at him, gauging Darren’s reactions to the doctor’s words but sees clearly that his boyfriend hasn’t got a clue what to do or say right now, so he does after a few silent moments.  
“What do you recommend, doctor? If it were up to me I’d say to go for the outpatient treatment but … I don’t know.” he says, his expression sad and questioning.  
“The thing is …” Dr. Hayes starts, “I tend to go for residential treatment for most patients, but I’m straining more to the positive side with you, Darren, so I think you would actually benefit from the outpatient program. I believe you have a decent back up from the people who love you.” She says the last part, looking pointedly at Chris who is already nodding, “Of course, I can make sure I’m home when Darren gets back and I’m not the only one who is going to be there for him.”

“Now, I’m just gonna leave these here for you to go over yourselves. Just think about it and I’ll hear whatever decision you’ve made when you come to it.” Her gaze holds on to Darren’s face for a moment, she can clearly see the turmoil behind them, it’s not the first time and won’t be the last either but she can’t help but feel positive that in the end he’ll be one to really succeed to overcome his situation. Dr. Hayes smiles softly at him and then back to Chris, who’s now looking at his boyfriend with worry so obvious in his eyes that even after all her years of practice, she feels a pang in her heart by it.  
“Just call me or let the nurses here know whenever you made a decision, alright?” she says softly towards Chris who in return nods but doesn’t let his eyes move from Darren.

When they’re back alone in Darren’s hospital room, Chris can almost see Darren retreat back into his invisible shell as he turns to his side again, facing the window.  
“Baby,” Chris almost whispers as he runs his hand over Darren’s arm, “I don’t want to push you, but shouldn’t we talk about what you think is going to be best for you?”  
Darren doesn’t really answer though, just shrugs for as far as that’s possible the way he’s laying down now and sighs heavily,  
“I’m just tired now, can I just …” His voice has started trembling a bit and he blinks rapidly trying to hold back tears that are already starting to gather behind his eyelids, “I just want to sleep.” Is all he says as his eyes are on Chris again now for another moment before they start to close slowly.  
“Okay baby, okay. Just let me put this back down for you.” Chris speaks up in a hushed voice while he stands up and lowers the head of the bed again so Darren can lay down more comfortably. He can’t resist to bend over and plant a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead though, his lips lingering a little on the spot as he whispers, “I love you so much.”  
Darren is too far gone already to answer probably but Chris has to smile a little as he sees the corners of Darren’s mouth lifting up on their own accord.

They don’t talk about it anymore that day, Chris leaving to go home at the end of the day again with a nagging feeling of discomfort by the way Darren returned back to his silent state, hoping that at least the next day won’t start off as another completely silent one again.

They’re three days further now and Darren practically refuses to look at the flyers Dr. Hayes has brought in for him. Any time Chris tries to bring it up or pointedly takes them from the drawer in the small cabinet next to his bed, Darren just stares out the window, not even looking at Chris anymore until he puts them back again with a soft sigh. He doesn’t really know how to do it, Chris doesn’t want to push him too hard but he also knows Darren can’t just stay here, especially not with the way he is still barely looking at the food they bring him, little as it is in Chris’ eyes.

So now he sits on the edge of the bed once more, holding the flyers in one hand on his lap as Darren’s gaze is turned outside the window. He takes a deep breath and leans forward a bit, lifting his hand and putting his hand on Darren’s cheek, trying to coax him to look at Chris. After a while, Darren does turn his eyes to him, defiance in them together with the uncertainty and fear that’s over powering the first emotion clearly.  
“Darren, we really need to talk about this. We have to choose something, you can’t just stay here forever. They can help you there, in either of the two places …”  
“You choose then!” Darren practically shouts causing Chris to drop his hand to his lap with a soft gasp, surprised with his boyfriend’s sudden outburst. “Just put me away somewhere so I won’t have to bother you all day long anymore, okay!”  
Chris has to swallow a few times, the contrast to Darren’s usual silence so big now that he almost just starts shouting back in response. After taking a few deep breaths and closing his eyes for a second, he says, trying to sound as calm as possible,  
“Darren, baby. I don’t just want to put you away somewhere. And you don’t bother me all day long okay? I want to be here, for you but hell, it’s as much for me too. But I want you to get better too, and either one of these places can help you with that.”  
“Why do you even bother, I’m never gonna be perfect. Not the way you’d want me to be, I just can’t …” his voice changes from angry to broken in a matter of a second, “You shouldn’t have to deal with this, with me. Just … just take the one where I have to stay in. I don’t want to … You deserve to be happy not me burdening you with me coming home every night.”  
“What? Darren, please …” Chris breathes out, his hands lifting immediately and cradling Darren’s face who for a moment tries to turn out of the touch. “No baby, look at me, please?” he pleads, hoping his boyfriend will stop resisting and just look at him.   
“I’ll say this as much as you need to hear it and than some more, I love you and you aren’t a burden for me. I want to be here, you hear me? If that’s the only reason you think you should choose for full hospitalization, then this can wait for another while. But if you think it’s best for you too, then by all means … I’ll call the doctor to let her know immediately.”  
Chris stops, taking another deep breath before leaning closer, resting their foreheads together. He can feel Darren tense a little underneath him but he doesn’t push him away either, so he sighs in relief again.   
Darren balls his fists a few times, it’s not that he’s angry anymore, he just needs to feel, needs to feel his fingernails pressing into the skin of his palm so he won’t give in his urge to start crying again. And after sitting there a few moments longer he leans away from Chris’ touch and looks up at him, “I … I don’t know …”

After a beat Chris replies softly, “Then we don’t decide just yet, okay? Just remember that you’re still the perfect guy for me, always will. I’ll take you any which way possible, but you’ll always stay perfect to me, okay? If you want, then I wouldn’t want anything more to have you come home every night, but please don’t do either of them because you think you should do that.”  
Darren doesn’t say anything, he’s not even sure what he feels anymore at the moment and when he holds Chris’ gaze, the other can see the desperation, fear and worry into his eyes clearer than ever. But Darren closes the space between them again before Chris can even say anything, he wraps his arms around Chris’ waist and buries his face against his boyfriend’s chest, holding on for dear life when the tears do start to fall eventually. For just this moment, he believes that Chris does love him for who he is no matter how or what and doesn’t let go of him for a long while after.

 


	3. Chapter 3

It’s been five weeks now, Darren finally decided that he did want to try the day treatment facility, Christmas and New Years have passed by in a blur without much attention to the holidays and right now he’s sitting on the couch in Chris and his appartement. He’s eyeing the kitchen, knowing that his boyfriend is fixing their dinner and a shudder runs through his body by the thought of it. Therapy is going slow, he can’t seem to get behind what the people in the center are trying to do for him and it’s taking him even slower to even try to see him the way he should see himself. And Chris is trying too, he knows he is, trying not to push him too much but making sure Darren knows he’s there for him.  
It all hits him again suddenly, the feeling of disgust for his own body and lack of being able to maintain his weight, when some of the scents of the food Chris is preparing float through the half opened door to their kitchen. His head snaps up, can’t help himself and jumps off the couch as he practically runs towards their joined work room where he hardly been in since he came back from the hospital.

“Darren?” Chris calls into the living room as he steps through the kitchen door, having heard a door slam shut but not sure at first where it came from. When he doesn’t find his boyfriend in there like he expected, Chris curses underneath his breath and walks through the hallway, looking into their bedroom. He’s surprised at first that he can’t find Darren in there either but then turns, eyeing the closed door of their work space and crosses the hallway in a few steps, stopping right in front of the door. He puts his hand on the door in front of him, his fingers splayed out and leans in closer, his forehead resting against the wood.

“Darren, sweetheart?” Chris calls out to him again, though his voice is soft and worry is clearly seeping through. “Baby, talk to me. What's wrong?” He winces internally, knowing that that is the wrong question to ask, it's not like he doesn't really know what is going on. He sees the way Darren is still not doing much effort to take up better eating patterns, no matter how many things he makes that he knows Darren used to love and couldn't get enough of. It breaks his heart thinking about it, thinking about how he clearly notices that his boyfriend can't find it himself to accept and acknowledge the help that he needs. He sighs softly, his lower lip already trembling slightly with the emotions running through his body, before he takes another deep breath.

“Darren, I'm just going to go back to preparing dinner. Just come back please, whenever you're ready, okay?” Chris leans back, just staring at the closed door, hoping Darren will open it in a moment but when that doesn't happen he steps back. With another glance at the door, he silently says, “I love you, Dare.” and as he retreats back to the kitchen adds, underneath his breath, “I miss you.” He has to lean against the counter for a few seconds, trying to get his own feeling back in control cause he doesn't want to lose himself right now, not when Darren's at home.

Darren's sitting with his back against the wall on the floor of the room, his empty guitar case next to him and the tears stream down his face as he keeps his gaze on the door on the other side of the room.

“I love you too, baby.” he mumbles over and over for a little while, it's barely audible but he can't seem to stop saying it either. He doesn't know what to feel, doesn't want to feel this way and he knows he has to snap out of his own mind to make that happen. But he can't, he can't stand looking in the mirror knowing that he still hasn't gotten to that point where he wants himself to be. His mind wanders back, to the start of it all after that one stupid call and the few meetings that followed, letting his eyes drift across the room where they stay on his computer suddenly. He remembers the way he felt when the first delivery came of those pills and a small smile tugs up the corners of his mouth.

It's another half hour before Darren leaves the room again, his arms crossed in front of him as he walks into the kitchen to find Chris sitting at the already set table.

He looks up in surprise, not expecting Darren to get out of the room already and he smiles carefully up at him. Chris just keeps staring for another few moments, making Darren visibly squirm where he's standing just inside the doorway.

“Oh,” Chris clears his throat when he realizes just this, “Euhm, I made chicken parmesan, a light version. You always loved when I made that.” He stands up, retrieving it from the over and places it on the table, immediately filling both their plates, just a small portion for Darren. He doesn't want to discourage him by putting too much on it so he hesitantly looks up at his boyfriend, only to find him eyeing the dish with an uncertain look in his eyes.

Taking a few steps towards Darren, Chris reaches out his hand and puts it on Darren's arm, trying not to look too crestfallen when he notices the guy flinching at the contact and says,

“Please Darren, I don't want to push you, but you have to start eating more again. You're going to get really sick again if you don't.” He's practically pleading with Darren now, realizing this isn't really the way to go either but he doesn't know what else to do. He's seen the few bites Darren usually takes in and that after that he just starts to push the food around on his plate, hates the fact that Darren isn't really getting any better and even though it's not all that long, he should start getting some improvements already.

Darren looks up at Chris with big eyes, on one hand looking so terribly scared and on the other almost defiantly, as if he's trying to push Chris so far until he snaps and wants him gone. Chris knows this, has heard it from Darren so many times that every time there isn't much sound around him, he can hear the echoes of those words in his mind.

But after a moment, Darren looks back at the plate and then up to Chris, as he says,

“Thank you, Chris.” He carefully steps aside Chris to take a seat at the table and lifts up his fork, piercing a small piece on it and eats it. At this moment Chris can't do anything else but take his own seat and his eyes automatically stay on Darren while he himself starts to eat too.

These silences while they eat, is mainly what Chris hates the most about this right now. Their usual playful banter from before is completely gone, left behind to be replaced by a tension that hangs between them. And not only during meals, from the moment Darren steps through the door from coming home from the center, they hardly talk. Instead Darren usually nestles himself on the couch, flipping through the channels on the tv while Chris is busy in the kitchen. And after that, they sit there on that same couch, watching one of their recorded shows with more space between them than it ever has. Even before they were a couple, they couldn't seem to maintain a certain space between them, always touching in one way or the other but now all of that is just gone. And Chris knows that this isn't unusual but it hurts, badly, feeling like he's been completely shut out of Darren's life except for the few moments that they do talk, and even then it's casual and just small talk. The nights are the worst though, Darren curled up on his side of the bed, the moment Chris even makes a small move towards him he automatically tenses, shoulders stiff and back straight.

And this goes on, day after day, until another couple of weeks pass by again and one day the doorbell rings at 4.30 pm.

Chris looks up to the door in surprise from where he's sitting on the couch, doing some last moment edits on a few pages of his newest book. He sets his laptop on the coffee table and stands up to go answer the door.

When he opens it, he finds their upstairs neighbour, Samantha, smiling at him as she lifts a package towards him.  
“Hi Chris, I know normally I should bring this over when I see Darren's home again since it's for him but I have to go until late tonight and the postal office delivered this a bit earlier.”  
For a moment, Chris looks perplexed at the girl, not knowing what she's talking about but then shakes his head slightly and asks,  
“Wait, what? Why is there a package delivered to you for Darren? I'm … confused?” He's not sure what to think of it, finding it really weird that Samantha just accepts something for Darren.  
“Oh, Darren didn't tell you? He came by a few weeks ago, asking if I minded receiving something once in a while since you aren't always home either and I usually am during the day. You know, with my night shifts. So yeah, here I am. But I really have to go now, sorry to just run but … You know.” Samantha shrugs apologetically and hands him the package.

“Oh yeah, of course. Thanks again, Sam. And I'll see you around! Bye.” Chris hurries to say as she already walks back through the hallway with a wave over her shoulder. For a second, he looks down at the parcel and takes a step backwards into their apartment, closing the door without even looking back up.

He's got a bad feeling about this and he nearly trips in his haste to move to the kitchen where he rips the package open and gasps as he drops it on the counter after picking it up to see what it was.

Tears start pooling in his eyes, Chris shakes his head in disbelief and his stomach is turning unpleasantly as anger starts rising up into him.

“Fuck!” he yells as with one swipe of his hand, he throws the box and the nearby two glass jars onto the ground, shattering them into a thousand pieces.

He’s not sure how long he’s been standing there, hands gripping the edge of the counter until his knuckles are white right now but when he looks up around him with a blurry vision, he notices it’s already after five and he knows Darren will be home soon. It’s too late for him to immediately drive off to the center because he doesn’t want to chance his boyfriend finding an empty apartment, so he takes in a shaky breath as he takes in his surroundings.  
“Shit!” Chris curses, grabbing the two bottles in front of him and putting them behind him on the table. His hands are shaking, and he’s not even sure if it’s out of anger or fear of what Darren has been doing behind his back again. Trying to calm himself down, Chris first grabs a glass of water and downs it in one go before putting it back in the sink to turn to the large cabinet to his left and takes out a dustpan and brush, quickly cleaning up the glass that has shattered on the floor. He’s done with it in no time, leaving him with a couple of minutes more to let his mind go over everything.  
The bottles now in both his hands, Chris just looks at them, they look harmless but the truth behind them, the things these stupid little bottles caused are really catching up on him. He knows it’s not only those though, he’s not stupid, but he can’t help but think they represent everything that went wrong with his boyfriend, his Darren. He doesn’t even notice it at first but tears have started to run down his face and slowly but surely he starts sobbing as he slides down with his back against the counter, face now buried against his knees as he hugs them tightly with his arms.

He stays there for another few moments but then he hears a key in the lock, opening the door, signalling that Darren is back home. Chris scrambles up off the floor in a hurry, wiping the wet streaks on his cheeks away with one hand and tries to compose himself as best as possible.  
The moment Chris’ head snaps up, Darren walks into the kitchen, immediately dropping his bag next to him on the floor as he sees Chris standing there.  
He gasps when he notices the bottles in Chris’ hand and his eyes go wide, tears springing into them as he curses underneath his breath before starting,  
“How … Why do you … who …?” Darren can’t get any more out, his throat closing up when the realization settles in of what this might mean that will happen. He’s tempted to just step forward and snag the bottles out of Chris’ hand and to start yelling at him that Chris had no right to open a package that was clearly for him but then it hits him that Samantha must’ve brought it over and he can’t believe she would just do that for no reason. On the other hand, Darren just wants to step back, out of the apartment and just run as far away as possible, to not have to deal with all this, with the hurt and angry look in Chris’ eyes even though he may try to hide that for the time being.

“No Darren. You don’t ask me how or why!” Chris snaps at him, his free hand now finding purchase on the counter again to steady him a bit. He lifts his hand with the bottles and has to fight the urge to throw them at Darren right now.

“Why? Why would you …” Chris continues, his voice trembling, “I knew you weren’t progressing like you should be, but these again? Please tell me you didn’t already have them delivered at Sam’s before! That you didn’t take them again … Please?”  
His voice has started to break, those last words more coming out like a plea than anything else. Chris just looks at Darren, he’s not even sure what to say or do at this moment, and the fact that his boyfriend is just standing there and looking at him like he’s lost his voice doesn’t make him feel any better either.  
“Chris, I …” Darren starts, swallowing hard when he can’t really form any answer instantly. He breathes in deep a few times, his mind spinning so much he’s getting dizzy as his heart rate seems to speed up immensely. Every time he opens his mouth nothing comes out, only his increasing breath that is making him feel alarmed and panicked right now, so he has to reach out his hand to the doorframe to steady himself as he closes his eyes momentarily.

“Never mind!” Chris raises his voice slightly after a few moments, “That’s more enough of an answer for me.” He flings the bottles on the counter, not even looking twice to where they’ve rolled and rushes towards their bedroom.

After Chris’ last outburst, Darren finally opens his eyes when he hears the door slam behind his boyfriend. He’s shaking all over, tears spilling over and running down his cheeks as he stays rooted to the same spot. He feels like he’s not able to move, at least not without crumbling down and the truth of his actions suddenly come rushing down on him once more. It’s not so much the fact that he ordered and used them that bothers him at this moment though. Mostly it’s the feeling that once again he disappointed Chris, proving to himself that he’s not even worth for Chris to love, to keep standing by him when all he does is fuck everything up. When he finally feels steady enough to let go of his hold on the door frame, Darren looks at where the bottles are laying on the counter, right next to the coffee maker. He takes a step forward, his mind filling with thoughts of just getting them and putting them away so Chris can’t find them but then he stops short, realizing there won’t be any place that Chris won’t find them and then the extent of his therapy session today flashes through his mind too.  
It was group therapy today, something he hates and likes at the same time. Hearing others talking about what happened to them, gives him a secure feeling of not being alone but on the other hand, he hates it too cause if there’s one thing that Darren doesn’t want, is talk about his own feelings and actions. He remembers hearing his fellow patients talk about how they hid all their stuff and what they did but it didn’t seem to reach him thoroughly, up until now that is. Suddenly it crashes down on him that it was exactly what he’s been doing and he couldn’t even acknowledge it until now.

So he turns, closing his eyes to stop himself from looking back at where those pills lay and with slow steps walks out of the kitchen, through the hallway and stops in front of their closed door. He reaches for the doorknob but stops when he hears Chris’ sobs through the door and it breaks his own heart, knowing that he’s the reason that his boyfriend is crying so uncontrollably.  
He wants to go inside, wants to take Chris in his arms and assure him that he’ll be okay, that they’ll be okay. But he can’t, he knows he’s not enough, probably won’t be enough for Chris and hasn’t been for a while now, so he turns and walks straight into their work room.

It’s about two hours later that Darren hears Chris emerge from their bedroom, hears him go through the cabinets in the kitchen and then no sound anymore except the television playing softly. Darren takes another few moments to find the courage to stand up out of his chair, he’s been sitting there just staring at the dark screen of his laptop with all different images going through his mind. When he does, he almost tiptoes out of the room towards the living room and as soon as he enters it he finds Chris sitting on the couch, sheets laying bundled up on the floor next to it and his boyfriend staring at the television. His eyes are watery and his cheeks are red, and he turns his face slowly towards Darren who’s now entering the room completely.  
Chris closes his eyes for a few seconds and then looks up at his boyfriend, his voice shaking as he says, “You can sleep in the bedroom tonight, I’ll just sleep here on the couch. I just can’t …” He pauses, his lower lip trembling slightly before he adds, “Tomorrow morning, I’m coming with you to the center, I need to talk to the doctor. She needs to know this.” He sounds probably icier than he intends, but his hurt and anger are still seeping through unconsciously.

Darren gasps unintentionally at Chris’ words, and it’s almost immediate that he retreats back into his own, his arms circling his own waist as he nods and silently says, “Okay, Chris.” He doesn’t add anything more but turns and heads straight back into their bedroom, burying himself underneath the covers while he starts to cry, broken and heartbreaking sobs escaping his lips until the tears subside after a long while, falling into a restless sleep.

After a few hours of sitting up on his couch, Chris turns off the television, his tears finally completely dried and an empty feeling in his stomach. He looks to his side at the sheets still in the same spot and then turns to watch his clock. It’s already 3.30 am but he can’t make himself lay down to try to get some sleep. Instead he gets up and walks through the hallway after turning off the lights in the living room.  
Earlier he couldn’t get himself to stay in the same room as Darren, the hurt he felt because of his actions too much to handle but now, after sitting alone for the night he needs to be closer. He can’t help himself, even though he’s still angry and sad about the entire thing, he also knows it’s something that isn’t entirely Darren’s fault either. Chris knows it’s an illness, not something Darren necessarily wants, but it still remains hard to watch his boyfriend fall back like that again. He waits a couple of moments before he softly pushes the door of their bedroom open and then stands still, just watching Darren sleeping underneath the covers, lit by the moonlight streaming through the window.  
“Oh Dare,” Chris whispers as he crosses the room, shedding himself from his clothes on his way there and crawls underneath the covers. He doesn’t think about it but he scoots closer and wraps his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, gasping inwardly as he feels the ribs above his arm clearly and how thin Darren actually is. Darren, still sleeping, unconsciously turns into his arms and comes closer, burying himself in Chris’ arms with his face nuzzling the crook of Chris’ neck. The moment Chris plants a soft kiss on the top of his hair though, Darren’s eyes fly open and pushes against Chris’ chest, trying to get out of his hold. He’s almost whispering pleas to let him go, to let him just lay on his side but Chris holds on a bit tighter. Chris can’t let go right now, his heart breaks with the sounds of Darren’s whimpers but he pulls him close against his chest, closing his eyes to will back the waterworks once more.  
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay, you hear me? I’m here and it’s going to be alright.” he whispers into Darren’s hair, feeling Darren still tense in his arms. “I love you so much, so so much sweetheart. It’s okay. Please don’t shut me out again? I just want to hold you, hold you close, please. I love you, baby.”  
After a few moments, Darren does relax a bit again, though not completely, realizing what Chris must be feeling right now, the way he must feel in his arms, so different from the guy he once was.  
 _‘If only he didn’t find out about those pills.’_ goes through Darren’s mind as he inhales deeply, the scent of Chris so close relaxing him without him even noticing it.  
“Why, Dare?” Chris suddenly asks and Darren realizes he must’ve said it out loud. His eyes open wide at the realization before shaking his head and closing his eyes again, remaining silent.  
Chris doesn’t really know what to say or do, he’s still hurt and these words sting even harder now but he just holds on, mumbling, _‘I love you’_ and _‘It’s okay’_ until both fall asleep, still tangled together.

Waking up is the hardest though, the memories of the night before coming down on both guys once they open their eyes as the alarm goes off, and Darren immediately extracts himself from Chris, shying away in the bathroom for a while before coming out and heading straight to the kitchen to gather his bag that is still lying on the floor next to the doorframe. Every morning Darren gets picked up and as he notices the time for it’s arrival and he hurries to the door, Chris calls from their bedroom,  
“I called off your ride, I’m taking you in today Darren. You know I need to talk to your doctor.”  
It makes Darren cringe a little, the way he says it, the way his voice sounds strangely cold in contrast to last night and dropping his gaze to the floor he goes back into the kitchen and waits there for Chris to come.  
Chris is trembling, standing in front of the mirror as he looks at himself. Even though last night he couldn’t stay away from Darren and he meant every single word he said, he can’t help but let the feelings of hurt and desperation return to him now that Darren’s actions have settled more into his brain. He doesn’t know what to do, thought he was doing okay in helping him and watching him in the little time he was home but after yesterday, he’s desperate. He can’t trust Darren anymore like this, he wants to but he just can’t. And he knows if he should start watching his every single move, that’ll only lead to annoyance and resentment from his boyfriend in the end too. So he takes a deep breath, then pushes himself back from his dresser and heads over to the kitchen where Darren is waiting.  
Making himself a quick cup of coffee, Chris looks over his shoulder at Darren, aware that he didn’t even look up at him once since he came into the kitchen and he can’t help but sigh before turning back to his coffee.  
The atmosphere between them is cold and tense, more than it has ever been and Chris doesn’t know anymore how to handle it. He’s afraid of saying things he’ll regret afterwards so he just doesn’t say anything, letting everything go through his mind over and over.

Once in a while, when Chris is not looking, Darren looks up at him with shiny eyes. He knows Chris is still angry with him and hurt, and he has to swallow several times hard not to just break out in tears.  
 _‘God, you’re pathetic. No wonder he won’t want to deal with you anymore …’_ It’s the thought that’s occupying his mind the most right now, and he won’t even try to deny that to himself, knowing that it’s the truth. He’s waiting for the ball to drop, for Chris to finally speak out loud what he really means and wants to say. Darren is bracing himself for the rejection that is obviously going to follow and it’s breaking his heart, making his stomach tie up in knots uncomfortably as he watches Chris drink his coffee and avoiding him all together.

He’s sunken into his thoughts when Chris suddenly startles him out of it by saying,  
“Come on, it’s time. We should get going.” He’s already got the bottles in his hand and puts them in his coat pocket as he takes his keys and wallet before walking to the front door, waiting with the door opened until Darren follows him out.  
The drive to the center is quiet, Chris keeping his gaze on the road for entire drive and Darren just keeping his eyes out of his window, watching the houses and streets fly by. He’s surprised when Chris parks his car not far from the entrance, even though tense the drive flew by much quicker than every other day.

Chris knows that Darren normally is expected at the reception where every morning he has to sign in but instead of moving into that direction, he steers his boyfriend into another one with a hand steady on his elbow. From his first visit to the center, he remembers where his doctor’s office is and heads straight towards it. They take the elevator up to the 4th floor, both quiet and Chris once in a while stealing glances at the tense posture of Darren beside him. He remains silent though except from a sigh when he feels Darren flinch a little as he puts his hand on his lower back as they walk outside the elevator.  
Soon they’re standing in front of the doctor’s office and without hesitating, Chris knocks on it and waits for the affirmation that they can enter. When the door opens, doctor Hayes looks surprised for a moment before regaining her composure and gestures both of them inside, nodding towards the two chairs in front of her desk for them to sit.  
She settles herself behind the desk, opening a drawer and taking out a file that Chris assumes is Darren’s and lays it in front of her. Looking back up at the two guys, she looks questioningly at Darren for a moment before turning to Chris.  
“I know we didn’t have an appointment scheduled right now, so I’m assuming something happened during Darren’s stay at home, correct?”  
Darren immediately casts his gaze down to his hands, clasped tightly together in his lap and Chris nods, glancing at his boyfriend for a second before taking the bottles out of his pocket. He puts them in front of him on the desk, pushing them a bit closer to dr. Hayes with a sigh.  
“I … I happened to come across a package that was delivered to our upstairs neighbour meant for Darren.” Without wanting it to happen, his lower lip starts to tremble and he can feel the telltale stinging in his eyes already, but breathes in deep before continuing, “Those are the same pills Darren ordered before he was admitted. I didn’t even know he did it, and though I’m glad I found it out I don’t know what to do with this.”  
He looks straight into the doctor’s eyes, despair and defeat mixed together into his own as he stops talking when Dr. Hayes takes the bottles from her desk and looks at them. For a few long moments, Dr. Hayes just looks at them before writing down something on a paper in the opened file in front of her.  
“Darren?” she speaks suddenly, making Darren startle a little out of his thoughts, “You ordered these again?”  
He swallows, his eyes flickering between Chris and the doctor’s before he settles his gaze on his hands on his lap, his fingers nervously entwining with each other over and over again. Taking in a shaky breath, Darren nods almost imperceptible before he says quietly,  
“Yeah … yeah, I did.” It’s all that comes out right now, tears springing into his eyes but not wanting them to fall so he closes his eyes, trying to keep them at bay.  
  
Realizing she won’t be getting much out of Darren right now, and not willing to put him under more stress before anything else, Dr. Hayes turns her attention back on Chris. She looks at him with a soft smile, Chris almost expected an accusing glare or disapproving look to have been thrown his way and can’t help the sad smile in return. She nods and asks, her voice as soft as her eyes,  
“And you Chris? How do you feel about this?”  
For a moment, Chris isn’t sure what to say, he certainly didn’t expect her to start inquiring to how he was feeling about it all and just stares at her. After a moment of biting his lower lip he replies,  
“I don’t know … Like …” He casts a glance towards Darren for a second before turning back to her, “Like I somehow failed. Failed to notice, to help Darren, …” Chris runs his trembling hand through his hair as he adds, “Angry too but most of all, just … I don’t even really know, sad, hurt, a bit of all.” Shrugging he shakes his head and Dr. Hayes pens something down again before she speaks,  
“Although that’s perfectly normal for you to feel that way, you have to believe that you didn’t fail in any way. This isn’t an uncommon thing to happen, it’s not your fault.” She does look at Darren again now, “I would like to discuss this further with you though. You heard what Chris thinks and I assume you might have something to say about that too, right?” When Darren doesn’t really reply but just nods, she continues, “We will address this later in our session, or do you want to say anything right now?”

Darren looks up in surprise now, not anticipating him having to talk about it right away, and opens and closes his mouth a few times before looking at Chris from the corner of his eyes.  
“I’m sorry …” he whispers, barely audible but judging on the soft gasp escaping Chris’ lips Darren knows he heard them alright, “I don’t know why I … I just … It’s okay Chris.” Darren dares to turn his gaze at Chris now, and his heart breaks at the sight of Chris’ looks and how he’s trying to fight back the tears that are once again clearly visible in his eyes. So he adds even softer his biggest fear right now, “It’s okay if you don’t want to deal with me anymore. I understand. You’re so much more worth than being stuck with me.”  
A sob escapes Chris’ mouth at this as he is quick to reply,  
“Dare, no … You …” But he doesn’t get to finish, being cut off by Darren looking back at doctor Hayes, asking, “Can I please just go, I’m supposed to be in group therapy right now.”  
She looks at Chris shortly, who’s sitting there watching Darren with his mouth still slightly opened after being cut off, and nods at Darren,  
“Okay, we’ll talk later.”  
“Thank you.” Darren murmurs as he gets up out of the chair and with a trembling lower lip, turns and leaves the office, leaving a stunned Chris in his chair looking at the door he just disappeared through.  
In the meantime, doctor Hayes puts the two bottles in a drawer next to her and closes Darren’s file in front of her by the time Chris turns back to face her. He’s looking at her in alarm, shaking his head a little as he stammers,  
“I don’t … He just … Fuck!” his eyes open wide now as he adds, “Sorry, but … I am not leaving him. I can’t … I won’t …”  
She stands up from her chair, goes to sit against her desk next to Chris and smiles reassuringly at him, “I know. And deep down, Darren knows that too, but he’s in such a fragile state that he just can’t comprehend you actually wanting to have him by your side. You did good by coming with him today, we do need to address this but it’s not unusual that he’s having a bit of a relapse. I have to adjust his therapy a little probably, but I am working with him, keep on doing that.”

“Does he …” Chris starts, momentarily choking up a little at the thought of how fragile Darren really is. “Does he need to be admitted. Do you think that would be better for him than staying at home?” He hates to ask that, because even with this relapse and how distant he’s been, Chris still wants him close at night. He knows he left the option completely open when he first got to the hospital, but he has to admit that he was relieved that Darren did choose to stay home at night.  
“Maybe,” Doctor Hayes answers, “But that is different for every patient. Nothing can guarantee that it would be best for Darren but trust me, we’ll work on him and we’ll find the best possible thing to do for him.”  
Chris nods, his mind filling with every possible outcome but he can’t even think about the bad ones if he doesn’t want to start crying uncontrollably again. When he finally does speak again, his voice is small and worry lacing through it,  
“I hope so … I don’t want to … I don’t want to lose him, I almost did and …” a small sob escapes his lips but he tries to school himself again quickly, “I just hope he’ll get back eventually.” It’s all he can say, with a small shrug standing up and shaking the doctor’s hand who thanks him for coming by so quickly.  
  


It’s not long before he’s standing outside again, for a long moment just looking up at the grey sky with tears in his eyes until he almost physically shakes himself out of it and heads towards his car. When he arrives back at their apartment, Chris isn’t sure what to do, he knows he has to start work but he feels so drained and pulled down by his own emotions along with the almost deflated and resigned look on Darren’s face that the moments he walks into his living room, he just drops himself on the couch and curls in on himself. He falls asleep, restless and unsettling until he’s suddenly woken up again by his phone. As he sees who’s calling he sighs as he runs his hand through his hair and accepts, only to after the hello from his mom letting his words stumble out like a waterfall, barely giving his mom time to form any reply until he’s completely done.  
That phone call lasted a long time, only now noticing the time as he hangs up and his stomach is starting to rumble so he busies himself in the kitchen, fixing himself a quick sandwich to after he’s eaten it starting to work in their work space, trying to distract him a bit from the thoughts and images running through his head.

His head snaps up at the sound of the lock being turned, his heart thudding rapidly in his chest at the prospect of Darren back home and he hurries out of his chair in front of his laptop towards the hallway. Darren enters the apartment, gaze somewhere in front of him on the floor and it gives Chris a bad chill running through his spine but he does step forwards towards him so when Darren closes the door behind him, he’s standing right in front of him.  
“Hey, sweetheart.” Chris says quietly, reaching out his hand to gently touch Darren’s for a second before he lifts them up to help Darren out of his coat.  
“I can do that myself, thanks.” Darren suddenly says, his voice low and cold, so much colder than Chris is used to even with everything that happened these passed time and it makes Chris immediately recoil. His face falls a little as he steps back and just watches Darren shrug off his coat while his boyfriend keeps his eyes on the ground in front of him. Chris isn’t sure what or even if to say something but when Darren just stays silent as he retreats towards the living room, he softly says, “I wanted to order some take out. Euhm, I checked your guidelines as to what you are supposed to have these days and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do.”  
With a shrug Darren just mumbles, “Fine” and drops down on the couch, wincing a little and putting his arm securely around his own stomach and waist.  
“Darren, please …” Chris says standing a bit awkwardly in the middle of the living room, his voice trailing off as a mixed feeling of hurt and anger are surfacing.  
Darren’s head snaps up, eyes fixed instantly on Chris’ as he scowls, “What, Chris? What do you expect me to say? Yay take out, order anything you want … Or maybe just a fuck off, I don’t want anything!” He’s breathing harshly and he’s visibly shaking when he adds, “Don’t act like you want me around here. Don’t you dare tell me it’s okay, cause I fucking know it isn’t and that you’re just putting up with me out of something that you felt a long time ago …” He turns his gaze away from Chris, staring out of the window at the sun setting and darkness already descending, “I know it’s only a matter of time for you to just want to really get tired of all this shit! And I know it’s gonna be sooner rather than later thanks to last night so don’t bother, alright!”  
He closes his eyes tightly, his lips a thin line but trembling slightly as he takes in a deep breath, “I told the doctor I’d be changing to being a residential patient instead of this. I’ll just stay there, and you won’t have to worry about me anymore.”  
That takes Chris back out of his stunned feeling as he stayed rooted on the spot before, not quite believing what was happening with Darren lashing out like that. He takes the few steps to cross the room as he sits on the coffee table right in front of Darren.  
“What are you talking about? I’m not putting up with you, I love you and I want you to be here …” Chris speaks in a hushed and shaky voice, “Don’t ever think that, no matter what I always want you around.” He’s not even sure if he should be angry or hurt by Darren’s words and can’t help the soft sigh escaping his lips. “Don’t …. Please, don’t just … Don’t admit yourself to the hospital completely just because you think I don’t want to take care of you.”  
Darren chokes out a sarcastic laugh, ending almost on a sob but he can reign it in just in time, “Has it ever occured to you that I don’t want you to take care of me! You don’t need to take care of a mess like me, you’re much better than that! I … Fuck!” Darren all but yells at Chris as he pushes himself up off the couch and crosses the room without looking even once at Chris again and hurries to their work room, locking himself inside.

Chris’ mind is reeling, not even sure of what exactly happened right now and all he feels he can do right now is just sit here and stare at the vacant space Darren was in just a moment ago. His heart is thudding rapidly inside his chest, feeling it break in pieces and going numb all over.  
He doesn’t know how long he’s sitting there but when he looks up, startled by a noise right behind him, Chris looks up to see Darren putting two large suitcases near the door. His shoulders are slumped and he looks so incredibly small when he looks back at his boyfriend with teary eyes.  
Chris leaps off the table, running towards Darren who’s already backing up without even noticing it but Chris doesn’t even see it. He’s desperate to try to let Darren see that he loves him, that he wants him and always will.  
“Chris it’s okay.” Darren suddenly speaks when Chris opens his mouth to say something, “Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. You won’t have to go through too much trouble with me anymore, I’ll be back for …” His voice gives up now, he doesn’t want to say it but he knows that he has to let Chris know it’s okay for him to let him go. He’ll never be the same as he was before and he can’t be the one to drag Chris down with him even more than he already has.

“Don’t do this, Darren.” Chris pleads, his voice laced with despair and sadness, “It’s not okay, not if you’re packing up and going. I don’t want you to give up on us just because you feel like you’re not good enough for me. You’ll always be more than that for me, I fucking love you Dare!” He started raising his voice, not enough to actually shout but the vehemence is clear in it. Chris lifts up his hands, cradling Darren’s face in it and gently forcing his boyfriend to look up at him. “Please don’t … If you really want to go in as a residential and think that’s the best way for you to get better, that’s okay. But please don’t shut me out, don’t …” he says, his voice suddenly back a lot more quiet. He’s on the verge of tears again, not willing to let Darren go and do something he’s going to regret. Looking into his boyfriend’s eyes, Chris keeps whispering, “Please baby, don’t … I love you.” over and over again between the kisses he’s giving him. They’re soft and barely brushes of their lips but they tell enough, show clearly that Chris means every word he says and that he doesn’t want to let go of Darren.

It takes everything Darren has not to just wrap his arms around Chris and kiss him back, the need to feel his arms securely around him so big but that voice in his head is keeping him from doing it, convinced that Chris will be better off without him even if, and mostly especially because he loves Chris with all his heart still.  
“I have to …” Darren finally mumbles after a little while of silence, voice sounding broken but he tries to put as much strength behind them as possible. “It’s not fair to … I just have to.” he whispers as he moves a bit, slipping from between Chris’ hands and taking a step to the side while he takes the door handle in hand already. Darren’s looking down to the floor, his entire body shaking with the effort not to just crumble right there as he adds, “I need to go.” And he opens the door, slipping through it as quickly as he can before he changes his mind and leaving Chris standing there just looking at the vacant space in front of him and the opened door. It takes Chris a few moments for it to sink in and he rushes through the door down the stairs, running outside just in time to see Darren take off in the cab that was obviously waiting on the curb there.  
Seeing the cab move further, the distance only getting larger, Chris stumbles back and he all but slides down as his back hits the outer wall of their building. He’s crouching there, face in his hands as loud sobs start to sound, not even caring that people are passing him by. It takes him until the doorman comes up to him carefully and lays a hand on his shoulder asking if he’s okay and if it wouldn’t be better to head back inside, that he actually does. It’s a weird feeling, coming inside knowing Darren is gone, even though they didn’t break up or anything it still feels that way and he’s not sure if he can handle it.

 

The weeks pass by in almost a blur for Chris, calling Darren every day but except for a couple of times only getting his voicemail. Darren told Chris he’d just do better if he’d concentrate on himself for a while even though it hurts him as well not being near Chris. His hospital room still doesn’t contain any of the pictures and small things he packed when he left home. He can’t bear it really, looking at them whenever he’s alone in his room. Doing the best he can at the moment, Darren goes to his sessions willingly and after settling in a bit more finally opening up too. He doesn’t really know how to act around Chris though, his own mind a jumbled mess with warnings going off every time he thinks about him. Even though he’s able to talk about his issues more freely in his group therapy sessions and with his doctor alone, the thought of Chris is still making him feel very wary about himself and the fact that he knows he doesn’t deserve someone like Chris in his life.

So he acts a bit brighter in sessions, behaves a little less sad and morose when he’s with his doctor but at night, all alone in his bed and the lighting up from his phone that indicates a message waiting for him to read, he cries silently into his pillow. He can’t let anyone hear him, doesn’t want anyone to know how utterly heartbroken and lost he really is without Chris next to him but his mind says him that he isn’t worth him either, so he keeps up his act for a lot longer than anyone would be able to do. Even his parents don't really know the extent of his feelings, he's never hidden anything from them but after telling them about what had happened, it was bad enough that he felt like the utter disappointment he was to them even without admitting that he can't really live without Chris. He sees it in their eyes though whenever they come to visit him. The unspoken question if it wouldn't be better if they called Chris and at least let him know how he's doing, but if he notices it heading that direction, Darren just steers it away to another topic with a pleading look towards his mom, who obviously reluctantly obliges but not after throwing a worried look at his dad.

Chris on the other hand is sitting at home every day, his mind only with Darren, the rest of his world vanished the moment Darren left him to stay at the hospital. He knows it’s his own choice, that he couldn’t force Darren to stay at home but even though he doesn’t want it to feel this way, he doesn’t even really know for sure, but deep inside he knows by now that Darren had really said goodbye to him and left him. There still is everything of Darren in their apartment but he knows that it doesn’t mean anything, Darren is still gone from him, from their relationship.  
They’re five weeks further now, and Chris is hanging on his couch with music playing in the background. He knows he should write, should get busy with his work but he simply can’t concentrate on anything these last few weeks. His phone is clutched in his hand from his last text that he sent to Darren, not expecting any response from the other but he doesn’t want to stop. It’s right then that his playlist shuffles, starting a song he hasn’t listened to in ages and he lets his head fall back against the backrest and closes his eyes as the lyrics start.

_**https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_1BQRAkcyc** _

 

_**Sometimes is never quite enough** _

_**If you're flawless, then you'll win my love** _

_**Don't forget to win first place** _

_**Don't forget to keep that smile on your face** _

 

_**Be a good boy** _

_**Try a little harder** _

_**You've got to measure up** _

_**And make me prouder** _

 

_**How long before you screw it up** _

_**How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up** _

_**With everything I do for you** _

_**The least you can do is keep quiet** _

 

_**Be a good girl** _

_**You've gotta try a little harder** _

_**That simply wasn't good enough** _

_**To make us proud** _

 

_**I'll live through you** _

_**I'll make you what I never was** _

_**If you're the best, then maybe so am I** _

_**Compared to him compared to her** _

_**I'm doing this for your own damn good** _

_**You'll make up for what I blew** _

_**What's the problem...why are you crying** _

 

_**Be a good boy** _

_**Push a little farther now** _

_**That wasn't fast enough** _

_**To make us happy** _

_**We'll love you just the way you are** _

_**If you're perfect** _

 

The moment the song ends, Chris blinks his eyes open and his breath hitches. he doesn’t know why it has taken him this long to really understand what has been going through Darren’s mind but hearing the words of the song it all came rushing down on him. He won’t claim to know and understand completely but a lot of what Darren had said is suddenly making a bit more sense to him. He looks down at his clock, noticing it’s only about 3pm and he pushes himself up off the couch, frantically wiping away his tears as he goes in search for his keys and wallet.

That same morning, Darren wakes up feeling even more down than he has been the last days. He takes his shower before going to breakfast with his fellow patients before his scheduled group session and participates, but a whole lot less than he has been doing. Even with trying to keep up his act, he catches himself in actually not having to pretend all the time anymore but right at this moment he can’t even bring himself to act. He feels a weight pushing down on his shoulders and he can’t shake it off. As he sits back in his room after their session has ended, Darren looks up at the mirror in his adjoining bathroom that he can see from his bed and after a few moments stands up. He walks into the bathroom, stares into the mirror for a few minutes until he starts to undress himself with shaky fingers. Not daring to look up until he’s completely naked except for his boxers, he places his hands on the sink, knuckles turning white with the tight grip he has on it. Darren takes a few deep breaths and looks back up, stares into his own reflection and takes in a shaky breath as he lets his eyes move over his own face and body. He doesn’t know what happened but he sees his cheeks fallen in, his eyes with dark rings around them and it’s already enough to let tears spring into his eyes. He tries not to let them fall though, trailing his gaze down over his torso and stomach. Not able to help the soft sob that escapes his lips when he sees the way he can all but count his ribs already, the start of his once belly starting to hollow, Darren steps back until his back thumps against the wall behind him and he lets himself slide down against it, hugging his knees tightly and burying his face in his arms as he starts to cry harder. It’s a mixture of feelings, seeing himself clearly for a moment and the feeling of missing Chris so hard that it’s breaking his heart and tearing him in pieces every day he’s parted from the love of his life. He knows it’s his own fault, he left, he said that Chris had to let him go but he can’t help that after these long weeks that he starts to realise his mistake.

Not really sure how long he’s been sitting there, Darren looks back up after his eyes are dry again and looks at his watch, cursing with a broken voice as he notices it’s almost time for lunch and his appointment with Dr. Hayes right after. He hurries through dressing again, frantically wiping his face in the meantime to try and get rid of the obvious tear tracks that are on his cheeks and he barely makes in just in time for lunch. He stays quiet during, much unlike his previous lunches where he started to really talk with the people on his table, but his mind is filled with the thought of Chris and fixing the mistake he made. Where it was still a struggle to really eat anything, he finds a new kind of intent to try even if he knows it might be a small thing right now.  
After lunch, sitting in his doctor’s office he smiles at her for the first time in a long while, making Dr. Hayes smiles gently back at him as she asks him her usual questions and awaits for him to answer. When he finally says what has been going through his mind the previous hours, Dr. Hayes steps from behind her desk, sitting on the edge of it as he puts her hand on Darren’s shoulder.  
“I’m really glad to hear this, Darren. I don’t think you really know just yet how much of a step forward this actually is.” she says in a soft voice, “This therapy is a lot more than just trying to make you eat, you know. And the fact that you can start to see it for yourself is huge, I do warn you though that it might not be this way every day, you gotta keep that in mind.”

“Yeah, I do know …” Darren slightly mumbles, but is still nodding with a small smile on his face before they get back into their session.

The afternoon goes by fairly easy now, Darren still feeling the effect of his own resolve to fix things as he walks towards the elevator when it’s time for him to go back to his room in the other wing of the hospital. But the moment the ding announcing the elevator is right there and the doors open, his breath gets caught in his throat as he sees Chris stepping out of it, looking a lot more disheveled than he has ever seen him before during their time together.  
Shaking his head, thinking at first that it must be his imagination running wild since he’s been thinking about Chris the entire day, even more than usual, Darren says in a soft voice as he hesitantly takes a step towards the other guy, “Chris? What … Why are you here?”  
 _‘This is it,’_ he thinks, _‘He’s probably coming to demand his key back that I haven’t returned to him when I left. Shit, he looks upset. I don’t know …’_ But Darren doesn’t get to finish that thought as Chris stops right in front of him, a determined though careful look in his eyes as he gets pulled into Chris’ arms. His breath flies out of him momentarily when Chris’ arms circle around him and his hold tightens a little, careful not to squeeze too tight. It takes Darren a second of doubt to practically melt into Chris’ arms, wrapping his arms around the other’s neck and a sob escapes his lips involuntarily. Not even sure if this is really happening or not, he holds on as if his life depends on it, mumbling all the while, “I’m sorry … I’m so sorry …”  
Chris’ eyes fill with tears as he hears Darren’s broken voice mumbling his apologies and he runs his hand soothingly over his back as he whispers, lips pressed against his temple, “Shh, baby. Don’t, you don’t have to. It’s okay … You’re going to be okay. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, okay?” They stay like that for a few minutes until they get pulled out of their bubble by a nurse passing them with a cart filled with books. It’s as if he didn’t fully realise that Chris was really holding him as Darren startlingly looks up at him, the voice in his mind instantly providing him with assaults on his own demeanor. _‘Failure, never gonna be good enough, poor excuse of a man …’_ keeps running through his mind but when the final, _‘You’re never gonna be good enough for Chris’_ fills his head, Darren pulls back completely, wrapping his arms back around his waist as if he’d break if he let go of himself. He takes a step back, his gaze suddenly fixed on the floor in front of him as he feels as if the mindset he's been in this last day vaporised suddenly.

“I … I don't …” Darren mumbles slightly, stumbling over his words and for a long moment Chris looks at him with a sad expression, having hoped that this wouldn't happen but prepared for it nonetheless. He's not going to let Darren get away so easily this time, he knows that the last time he could've prevented it even if he's not sure how. So Chris just stays where he is but reaches out for Darren again, hoping he won't recoil from the touch when he puts his hand on Darren's wrist.

“Dare … I … I missed you so much. I … Can we talk? Somewhere private?” he asks, praying that Darren will grant him that and doesn't run away again, he knows Darren won't get that far here in the hospital but still, the thought alone is making him anxious already.

Darren looks up instantly, knowing for sure that now Chris will really let him go and that right before was just a spur of the moment thing. He tries not to let it show too much on his face even though he knows Chris can read him like an open book, always have and probably always will. He looks around them, not really seeing anything but his mind going in overdrive. He’s not sure if he’s allowed to take Chris back to his room here, he didn’t ask anyone before since he never had the need to know so he stalls a little, trying to let his mind come to rest and figure out what it is he should actually answer. He can feel Chris’ eyes intently on him still, expecting an answer and it’s after a few tense moments that he finally returns his gaze up at Chris a bit shyly and says, “Euhm, yeah … I’m not … I don’t know if I can but maybe we can get to my room.” It’s the exact opposite of what his mind is screaming at him to do right now, doing it’s best to convince Darren to just say that he can’t and doesn’t want to talk to him. Not when he knows he’ll only be more heartbroken afterwards than he already is. A really small part inside of him though, beams at the fact that he willingly goes against that particular thought and does want to take Chris with him. He’s stumbling a little, trying to explain where they should go but failing miserably as his words come out jumbled and probably almost not understandable.  
  


“Hey,” Chris softly speaks suddenly, taking a small step closer towards Darren again, “I’ll just follow you, just show me, okay?” His voice is soothing, wanting to make Darren feel as comfortable as possible in this sudden surprise visit from himself. He didn’t really think things through when he was driving towards the hospital, the only thing in his mind being that he needed to see Darren and tell him how much he loved him and how perfect he was, for Chris but also just as who he is. That brings Darren a bit out of his stumbling and with a quick glance at Chris, he starts to walk down to the elevator again and waits for it to open.  
Chris follows Darren, a small step to the side and behind him cause he can clearly see the conflict in Darren’s posture, and even if his first reaction is to take Darren’s hand in his, Chris doesn’t and pushes his hands a bit further into his pockets. It doesn’t take them too long to cross the halls of the hospital into the resident wing where Darren silently leads him to his room.  
Once he steps inside, Darren goes straight to stand at the feet of his bed, not turning towards Chris but just keeping his gaze down at his foot end now. He’s bracing himself for what’s to come and although he knows he was the one who practically broke off all contact and told Chris to just let him go and be happy without him, he can’t help the feeling of his heart breaking already.

Chris just looks at Darren for a couple of long moments, staying quiet and letting his eyes go over Darren’s body, the way he’s standing right now looking so small and defeated. It makes his heart ache, his mind urging him on to do or at least say something but he wants to be careful, doesn’t want to do anything that might make Darren recoil instantly either.  
So he stays there, noticing how Darren’s waist has gotten even smaller than it always was before but he can also see clearly enough that he’s still not skin over bone alone and that does make him feel relief again that they were fairly early in the process like Darren’s doctor has said before.  
Walking up at Darren, Chris stops right behind him and puts his hand gently on his shoulder blade, feeling Darren tense instantly at the touch.  
“Sweetheart, I …” Chris starts, not really sure what he’s about to say cause he really didn’t think about that on the way here, “Can you turn around and look at me, please? I want to see that beautiful face of yours when I talk to you.” He smiles a little bit, letting his hand run down over Darren’s arm.

Darren takes in a shaky breath at Chris’ words, wanting so badly to believe Chris and just turn and look at him, but he can’t help but feel scared. He’s confused by his own actions though, knowing that earlier he was dead set on fixing things but now that Chris is actually there, the same old thoughts entering his mind and he’s not even really able to push them back. But finally after a few minutes and feeling that steady touch of Chris’ hand now on his elbow, Darren turns although he doesn’t look up, doesn’t dare to look into those beautiful blue eyes that are Chris’.

With a soft sigh, Chris lifts his hand to put a finger underneath Darren’s chin, tilting his face up gently so he can see his eyes. “Darren … Baby, I don’t know if I’m going to say the right things or not, I honestly haven’t got a clue what is right to say or do but …” He pauses for a second, cupping Darren’s cheek as he smiles, “I love you. I love you so much and I really can’t live without you being there by my side. These last few weeks have been hell for me and I can’t even imagine how you must’ve felt but not talking, it killed me. I know you told me to let you go but … But I can’t, I won’t do that. You are my everything, the love of my life and I can’t … I just can’t do it without you.” He takes a deep breath, wiping away some of the tears that have started to fall over Darren’s cheeks, “You are perfect, never think that you aren’t. You are amazing and perfect just the way you always were. Not only on the outside but all of you. You are so kind and sweet and genuine, I just … If I ever made you think otherwise, I’m so sorry, I never meant to … I’m so sorry then …”  
“No,” Darren suddenly speaks up, his voice a little bit louder than he expects it to be as he looks into Chris’ eyes, “No you … This is all me, I … I shouldn’t … I’m just … I don’t know what I should say.”  
“Come here.” Chris says quietly and takes Darren’s hand in his as he leads him to sit on the bed, both facing towards each other, knees bumping as Chris takes Darren’s other and lays both of them covered with his own on their knees. “I’m so sorry that you ever felt the need to think that you aren’t good enough for me, or anything else. But sweetheart, I promised you this before and I still do stand by my promise, I’m not going to leave you. I know you told me to let you go but I tried to give you your space without pushing you but … Let me be here for you. Even if you’re here, let me take care of you too. I mean, I know you said you didn’t want to be taken care of but isn’t that what partners do for each other. You would want to for me, I know you’d move heaven and earth if I were in your shoes and I … I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you, baby.” He didn’t even notice that tears had started falling over his own cheeks and when he realizes it now, Chris wipes over his face haphazardly and goes on, “You don’t have to do this alone, you never have to be alone in this. I still don’t really fully understand it all, I never saw what you saw and … I hate myself for not seeing it before it was too late but …”

Surprisingly enough, Darren’s mind had stayed quiet during Chris’ speech and he feels like something inside of him suddenly clicked. He knows his thoughts that make him feel the opposite of believing and worth of Chris’ time, aren’t gone but he also can feel his resolve getting back to where it was earlier that day. And now, seeing Chris starting to cry and hearing what he’s saying, Darren takes in a breath as he reaches his hand up to wipe the tears away with his thumb, an ever so soft caress that it’s barely there but making Chris cry harder nonetheless.  
“Chris … Don’t cry. Please, don’t cry.” Darren pleads silently, his voice sounding so small and broken but the power it holds on Chris still there. “I’ve been wrong to push you away but … I just … I had no choice, you weren’t happy with me, at least I thought you weren’t. I didn’t think you’d still want me seeing I failed at even the simplest things. I knew … I convinced myself that I should give you the chance to let you be happy without having the burden of taking care of me hanging over your head. You deserve more … Not … Not me.”  
That only makes it harder for Chris’ tears to stop falling, hearing him say that and he starts to stumble through his words, cutting off Darren’s who clearly wanted to say more. “I told you, please believe me when I say this, you are perfect for me, there isn’t anyone else I want to spend the rest of my life with. There isn’t anyone else who could love me the way you do and … and it kills me that you think you are so much less worth than you really are. I … You know, I didn’t plan on coming over here so suddenly but I … I was listening to some music and then … then there was this song at it hit me, that was you and I can’t stand to think that you would ever think of not being good enough. I just had to … I just jumped off our couch and got in the car to come here, I … I need you to know that I’m here, no matter what. I love you … Dare, please … I love you so much and we’ll get through this, together. Please, don’t try to push me away again, I’m never going to let you go. You’re so amazing, so special, so … so much.”  
It’s really like a dam breaking now, not sure what changed but Darren falls forward into Chris’ arms instantly, sobbing into the other’s shirt and clinging to the back of it. He holds on tightly, a sense of relief flooding through his system as Chris’ words truly sink in and for the first time in a long while he actually has the feeling he can believe them again, even if now rationally he knows that Chris has been saying just that all the while and that it was just him who didn’t hear what it was he was saying.

After staying in each other's arms for a long while, both clinging to each other in the same way, their tears have slowly dried up and only their breathing is still sounding fairly erratic. Darren looks up, only to find Chris immediately locking their gazes together, and he breathes out shakily before he closes the small space between them and kisses him. He had to consciously make him do that, seeing it in the other's eyes that it was okay and more than wanted. The moment their lips touch, Darren can't help but shiver slightly at the feeling he gets rushing through him, how perfect they still feel against his own.

Chris can't do anything but kiss Darren back, his entire body flooding with a sense of relief and happiness right now. He knows that they're far from perfect again but he also knows it's a huge step for them now, the fact that Darren isn't recoiling from his touch or words. He lifts his hands, cupping Darren's cheek and tilting their faces a little so he can deepen the kiss. His other hand finding hold on Darren's waist and even if now it feels a little disconcerting the way he feels different to the touch, it still feels like Darren and that's all that matters. He doesn't know how long they kiss like that, alternating between sweet and soft kisses and more demanding and needy ones. But they break apart only slightly, both panting a little and press their foreheads together.  
“I missed you so much, sweetheart.” Chris whispers, “So so much. I love you, baby. Always … Just keep that in that beautiful mind of yours, I'll always love you.”  
It takes Darren's breath away, the way Chris is still looking at him like he's the best thing that exists in his world and it's been a long time but he can't help his answer.  
“I … I'm sorry, I love you so much too. I can't … I couldn't … I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you and I … I messed it up. I tried to push you away but ...” Darren pauses, taking another breath before closing his eyes slightly, “I can't believe you didn't let me go when I practically forced you to. I ...”  
He's stroking Darren's cheek with his thumb, a smile on his lips, as Chris says, “Shh, baby. I told you, I'm not letting you go. You're not getting rid of me that easily. Especially not after all that we've been through together. Okay? We'll get through this together.”  
It's as much meant as a reassurance to Darren as to himself when he says it, but at least now he can see it in Darren's eyes that there's at least an inkling of his mind that actually believes it too.

Darren stays in the hospital for the next few weeks, his whole demeanor changed from just faking he's actually getting somewhere to where he is actively participating in his sessions and wanting to fix himself without much hesitation now. He knows he won't be cured so easily and that it still will take a lot of time for him to be considered healed, if that's even really possible completely. But with Chris coming to visit every day and the fact that he's looking forward again to their time together, helps him endlessly.

So now, a total of 10 weeks have passed since that day that Chris showed up unexpectedly at the hospital and Darren has packed up his belongings, a small smile on his face as he zips up the last one and puts it on his bed. He looks around the room, a certain amount of dread filling his body with the prospect of going back home, but the feeling of ease and comfort is even bigger than that. His doctor had just walked out of his room, wishing him good luck and to make sure he has his guidelines and knows when his next appointment is with her, now leaving him to wait for Chris to come and pick him up.

It doesn't take long though, he had just seated himself on the bed, images of his passed few weeks here going through his mind when Chris walks into the room with a bright smile barely five minutes later.  
“Hey baby.” Chris says, immediately stepping into Darren's space and bending down to kiss his lips softly. “Ready to go?”

“More than ready.” Darren breathes out, his impatience to get out of here now only surfacing as he practically jumps up and all but collides with Chris who didn't take a step back in time. “Oops, sorry … I'm just … I just can't wait to ...” he pauses for a second, looking at Chris with what can only described as a shy smile, “To go home … with you.”  
Chris' heart flutters for a couple of beats, hearing Darren say that not missing it's effect on him as he instantly grabs the other's hand and tangles their fingers together. He squeezes them softly as he whispers, “I'm so glad you are finally coming home.” They just stare into each other's eyes for a long moment and then Chris has to shake his head to get back in the present, chuckling a bit as he lets go of Darren's hand and takes up one of the two bags sitting on the bed. Darren had said his goodbyes earlier to the patients he started to call friends during his time here so only thing left is to get out the room and outside the hospital, where the rest of his future is stretched out in front of him.


	4. Epilogue

Darren steps out of the hospital right after his latest appointment with Dr. Hayes. He's fairly happy with the way things have worked out now. His weight still not on top and still a bit too low but he's starting to become more confident and the doctor praised him a lot today for the way he shows he wants to and is in fact improving. They talked a lot about how he's been feeling, apart from the obvious problems with his eating and wanting to lose weight. And though he still has his moments where he can suddenly retreat into himself, curling up in himself with the thoughts of not being good enough for Chris still, he can more easily recognize those moments and so can Chris. He's been his rock through all of this, he still is and he can't imagine anyone he'd rather have by his side, how unbelievable it sometimes might seem that he actually is after everything. His eating still isn't on point, but he's willing to eat more albeit in small portions but at least he can. Chris never pushes him but doesn't let him fall back into that old habit again either, gently coaxing him and always just being there for him. Even if their sex life hasn't turned up to speed either, there hasn't been much more than a few handjobs and making out, his own body blocking when things start to heat up more. But with previous visits, his doctor assured him that it wasn't abnormal at all and he has to admit that he's feeling more and more comfortable again. He's not always that confident still when they get under the covers but it has gotten a lot better than it has been to say the least. So as he walks over the sidewalk to the cab there waiting for him, Darren can't help the smile that's on his face, knowing that his life will never be the same but he can't be angry or sad anymore about it either. After paying the driver, he jumps out of the cab and hurries into their apartment, glad his appointment didn't last longer than usual. As soon as he enters, he throws his coat into the closet in the hallway and his keys and wallet into the bowl on the side table next to the closet. It's the first time since it all started that he has told Chris that he'd cook and he wants to do the best that he can, but that also means he has to start early enough just in case things don't go as he hopes they will. It's a simple dish he's making but one he knows is one of Chris' favorites, so he starts with taking the ingredients out of the refrigerator and ordens them on the counter. He looks at them a bit wary still though but after taking a few breaths he heads to work.

The table set, dinner ready to be served and dessert in the fridge, Darren is pacing a bit nervously through their living room, once in a while looking out the window even though he knows he won't be able to see Chris when he comes home, from up there. When he hears the lock in the door turning, Darren stumbles a little as he turns and smiles brightly at Chris as he comes inside. Chris' eyes land on him instantly and as he shrugs off his coat, he's already walking towards Darren. His coat lands on the love seat as he passes it, and grins at Darren until he stops right in front of him.  
“Hi, sweetheart.” Chris says, immediately pulling the other against him in a tight hug, “Dinner smells amazing.”  
Breathing in deeply, Darren sighs and smiles as he turns his face into the crook of Chris' neck, his scent having an immediate calming effect on him.  
“I hope it tastes half as good then,” Darren chuckles and looks up at Chris, “Hi. I missed you.” He leans in and kisses Chris full on the lips, lingering a little longer than he usually does when Chris comes home and smiles a bit shyly up at him. Noticing this, Chris smiles fondly at his boyfriend and runs his hand through Darren's curls for a moment before saying,  
“I missed you too, Dare. Are you okay? You look a bit … I don't know, anxious or something.”  
He regards Darren for a few more moments but when the other just shrugs and says, “I'm okay, don't worry.”, Chris kisses his forehead softly before adding,  
“I'm just gonna freshen up a little and then we can have dinner.” Nodding, Darren lets go of Chris and takes a step back, giving his boyfriend the room to take his coat again and head down to the bathroom and their bedroom. Soon enough he's back out and takes place at the dinner table while Darren brings out dinner, Chris' eyes lighting up with what he has made.  
“Did I miss a special date or something?” Chris asks, knowing fairly certain that he didn't but still, “This looks as great as it smells.”  
“Nothing you forgotten, babe.” Darren answers with a chuckle and starts to fill both their plates, his own a lot less than Chris' but happy to have some anyway. “Just for you being the best partner a guy can have.” He takes a seat and looks up at Chris, reaching over the table to take his hand in his, “I mean it, Chris. I don't know what I would've done without you. I love you.”  
“I love you too, sweetheart.” Chris answers with a soft blush on his cheeks now suddenly as he squeezes Darren's fingers. He doesn't need any more words, Darren knows how he feels about it and he's sure to let it shine through these four little words. Dinner goes by easily, soft talking while they're eating and an easy conversation about What Chris is working on now and the few things Darren had started working on again too. When the table is cleared and dishes are put into the dishwasher, they head into the living room and take a seat on the couch, leaving the tv off and putting on some soft music, one of Darren's playlist that they both love. They've got their glasses of wine in hand as they snuggle closer together and just enjoy their closeness right now up until Darren is starting to squirm a little, his eyes nervously flickering between Chris' face and his own glass of wine. With a low chuckle, Chris puts his glass on the coffee table and turns to Darren more as he asks, “Dare what is going on? Why are you so squirmy?”  
Looking up at Chris through his eyelashes, Darren's stomach is fluttering with nerves, licking his lips before he sits up a bit straighter. He takes another long look at Chris again, studying his face intently as a nervous smile plays on his lips without uttering a word.  
“Darren?” Chris now says, worry laced into his voice, “Are you sure you're okay?” Still not really answering, Darren puts his glass on the table too and turns towards Chris, sliding off the couch to kneel down in front of him as he takes both of Chris' hands. It elicits a small gasp from Chris who's eyes instantly start to water. He wants to speak, already opens his mouth but gets hushed by Darren immediately.  
“Chris … I ...” Darren breathes in, swallows hard and continues, “I love you so much. You are the love of my life, you're my everything. This last year has only proven to me that I would never want anyone else in my life than you. Everyone and everything else can disappear but as long as I have you by my side, I know things will work out. We've been through so many things though, from that first tentative meeting with Ryan where you were that shy fan boy who already knew me ...” He can't help the little giggle that escapes his lips at the thought of when they first met, “And ever since that dinner we had that same day, I knew … I just knew that you were the one for me. So I'm not gonna prolong this, and just ask you...” Darren reaches into his pocket, pulling out a red velvet box and flicks it open with his thumb as he speaks, “Chris, my gorgeous best friend, my love, my life … Will you marry me?” Chris is shocked into silence for a few long moments, breaking out of his daze as he notices Darren's face and expression starting to falter.  
He's already nodding before he says anything and lifts his hands to cradle Darren's face between them, “Yes ...” he says, his voice slightly breaking with emotion, “Yes, of course I will. Oh my … Oh god, Yes!” He quickly closes the distance between their lips and kisses Darren hard and deep, his tears falling down his cheeks and only now feeling the ones that are running over Darren's face. As he breaks the kiss, his heart stutters in his chest and his stomach is doing somersaults when Darren takes the ring out of the box and gently holds Chris' hand in his. He slides the ring over his ring finger and looks down at it for a second, before lowering his face and kissing it fleetingly. As he looks up, his eyes filled with tears but a bright smile on his face, Darren says in a cracked voice, “Thank you … I love you. I love you so much.” and leans back in for another kiss.

They don't know how long they stay like that, intertwined from their legs to their arms, somehow ending up on the couch with Darren laying on top of Chris. As Darren leans slightly up to look down at Chris, he's met with those gorgeous blue pools, shining with happiness and slightly dilated. It takes his breath away, as it usually does, to see Chris so happy and wanting with him. The cheesecake he's gotten for dessert forgotten in the fridge, he kisses Chris' lips softly again before he says in a whisper, “I want … I want you. Will you make love to me, baby?” It comes out slightly hesitant but he's sure his eyes show how much he wants it now. Chris' face falls a bit into worry but still can't keep the smile of his mouth as he runs his fingers through Darren's curls and asks, “Are you sure, sweetheart? Cause we don't have to ...” Darren cuts in instantly, not leaving room for doubt with either of them, “Yes, I'm so sure. I love you and I want you so much. I … Please just ...”  
“Shh, it's okay, Dare.” Chris whispers against his lips as he already brought them back together for a kiss which turns into a deep and needy one, their breaths coming out harshly as they break it but leave their lips lingering on each other's for another long moment. They both just stare at each other for a couple of long moments, gazes getting lost in each other's and both sporting the same sort of giddy and loving smile on their lips. After a while Chris moves his hand slowly up and down Darren's back, still feeling the outline of Darren's spine but a lot less than he remembers it being for the past months. “Bedroom?” is all he asks, but it's enough for Darren to nod and push himself up and off of Chris and the couch, for a second looking at his now fiancé a bit shyly before he reaches out to take the other's hand to pull him up too. They're not in a hurry, walking hand in hand towards their bedroom, shutting off lights as they pass and soft glances thrown to each other at any given moment. Kicking the door closed behind him, Chris is a bit startled by the force of Darren crowding into his space and pinning him against the door with his whole body. Darren's hands cradling his face as he kisses him hard and deep, a shiver going through his spine at the feeling of Darren pressed against him completely. He isn't able to stop the moan that escapes his lips when Chris feels Darren's erection against his own, albeit faintly through the layers of clothing still separating them. Not even consciously, Chris bucks his hips forward only to be met by Darren doing the same thing, causing both their breaths to stutter for a moment at the touch.  
“Bed … Now.” Darren mumbles while he keeps trailing open mouthed kisses down the side of Chris' neck and right below the collar of his shirt. He winds an arm around Chris' waist and pulls him back with him until his legs hit the side of the bed, letting go of Chris as he falls back, sitting on it. Darren looks up at Chris, who is staring at him with a fond though wanting smile and moves to let his fingers run up over Chris' thighs, slipping underneath the hem of his shirt. He bunches it up until a good expanse of skin above the waistband is shown, and Darren leans in, letting his lips fleetingly kiss every inch of skin he can reach. It's Chris' cue now to pull off his shirt quickly and throw it to the side, not even caring where it falls down, as his heart thuds rapidly in his chest at Darren's ministrations.  
“Oh fuck ...” he groans as Darren moves lower with his lips, unzipping his pants at the same time before sliding his hands into them over his ass. He pushes them down Chris' hips, letting them fall down and pool around his feet but doesn't even wait for the other to step out of them as he quickly pulls Chris' boxer briefs down too. Darren licks his lips as his eyes go from Chris' face down to his cock now in front of his face.  
“I love you ...” he mumbles but then chuckles slightly as he notices it looks more like he's talking to Chris' erection than to him. Chris is looking down at Darren in the meantime, an amused grin on his face as he notices Darren's chuckle and without pushing, he lets his fingers slide into the other's hair. He loves the feeling of Darren's curls slipping and sliding through his fingers as he lightly lets his fingernails scratch over Darren's head.  
“I love you too, sweetheart.” he whispers and it's enough for Darren to lean forward and take his cock into his mouth, tongue swirling around the head for a moment before he takes him in more. He doesn't swallow around him though, although he always did and was more than able to, he just doesn't want to risk it now as he starts bobbing his head up and down. Chris curses and groans loudly as his eyes are fixed on his fiancé, feeling his cock twitch in the wet heath of his mouth. Darren sucking and licking along his erection is a feeling he missed even though he never said anything about it, not wanting to pressure Darren in things he wouldn't be comfortable with yet. But now after a little while of Darren keeping up with this, he knows if he doesn't stop it right now, he's going to come embarrassingly soon.  
“Dare … baby, stop … Oh fuck ...” he mumbles as he lightly tugs on Darren's curls, coaxing him to back off for a moment, “I'm not gonna last, babe.” Darren lets go of Chris' cock with an obscene sounding pop and licks his lips as he gazes up at him through his eyelashes. Chris can't do anything else than bend down and kiss Darren hard and demanding, faintly tasting himself already on the other's lips.  
“God, you're … Perfect.” he whispers against Darren's lips as his fingers start to undo the buttons of Darren's shirt and soon after, sliding it over his shoulders, down on the bed.  
“Lay down, baby.” he says in a hushed voice, eyes twinkling when Darren is eager to oblige quickly.

As soon as he's on his back, scooted backwards until he is laying with his head on his pillow, Chris moves to straddle Darren's legs. His fingers trailing down from Darren's collarbone to his stomach and back up, eyes following them intently and with an adoring look in them.  
“You are so beautiful, sweetheart. So so gorgeous ...” Chris breathes out, sounding nothing else but in awe of the guy lying underneath him. His stomach has filled out again a little bit, looking overall a bit broader than a couple of months back and even though he never stopped loving Darren or finding him beautiful, Chris is glad that this is slowly coming back to normal. Leaning down and holding himself up on one arm, he starts to kiss Darren from his neck down his torso, paying extra attention to his slightly hardened nipples which elicits such wanton sounding moans from the other, that his own cock twitches hard. Once in a while though, Chris does glance up to see if Darren is still okay with everything. He knows the other knows that he should say something whenever things get too much for him but he only wants to make sure. After a long while of worshiping every little part of Darren's upper body, never letting up the praising and comforting words to let Darren know exactly how Chris feels about him, he kisses right above the button of his pants and with a quick glance up and a soft nod from Darren, he unzips his pants quickly. It doesn't take long for him to undo Darren of both his pants and boxers and soon enough, Chris finds himself kneeling between Darren's legs and trailing the tips of his fingers up and down his thighs.  
“My beautiful, soon to be husband.” he beams down at Darren but suddenly looks a bit questioning when the latter lifts up the lube towards him. Darren stares at him a bit sheepishly as Chris takes it from him,  
“I kinda was hoping you'd say yes so …” Rolling his eyes fondly, Chris smirks down at Darren, “You did, huh? Did you really think for one second that I'd say no? To either proposition ...” He's coated his fingers in a fast movement and immediately runs them down over Darren's perineum, the guy gasping and throwing his head back as he hovers for a second over the tight muscle below and pushes one finger in slowly. He holds in his breath, eyes intently on Darren's face and when he sees him slightly relaxing, Chris pushes in further. The heat and tightness surrounding his finger feels like so much and it only urges on his arousal. But even more than that, does the expression on Darren's face and the amount of trust he puts in Chris have that same effect. He's careful and slow in his prepping, slowly building up to now four fingers that are almost freely thrusting in and out of Darren, while he pushes back on them every time Chris moves his fingers inside.  
“Fuck, Chris … Babe, I'm … I'm okay. Please, just … I need you. In me ...” Darren groans out as he opens his eyes to look down at Chris who instantly stills and retracts his fingers, wiping them quickly on the sheets besides them and crawls over Darren. It's almost automatically that Darren already hooks his ankles behind Chris' back, angling his ass up a little and when he feels their erections brush against each other, Darren moans hard before he continues to plead for Chris to hurry up. Chris' cock is throbbing just by the thought of being inside of Darren again in merely moments and he leans down first to kiss him, a lot softer and sweeter than the circumstances might call for. As he backs out, Chris keeps his eyes on Darren's and slips his hand between their bodies to line himself up before pushing inside of Darren in a slow pace. “Fuck … you feel so good, so tight.” he moans as he's buried completely inside.  
“Perfect … You're perfect. So good for me.” he adds in a hoarse voice, trying to hold still until Darren gives him a slight nod and a , “Yes, move … please, just move, baby.” He pulls out, slowly before thrusting inside, eyeing Darren closely for any discomfort but when after a few moments he sees none, Chris starts to set a pace. They move in unison, one thrusting deep as the other pushes back to get him even deeper and it feels like heaven for Darren, his eyes staying focused on Chris' blues as he constant stream of curses and moans leave his lips. Unsurprisingly, both guys feel the heat coiling deep inside of them rather quickly, and as Chris' rhythm starts to become a bit more frantic, Darren suddenly throws his head back against the pillow as he comes over his own stomach without Chris even touching him again, splatters of his cum painting his skin up to his neck. It's the firm clenching around his cock with Darren's orgasm that makes Chris feel lightheaded and he pushes in relentlessly a couple more times until he stills and comes hard, Darren's name on his lips in a moan. Panting heavily he shudders through his release, not able to hold himself up and lands heavily on top of Darren who wraps his arms around his shoulder in a second, holding on tightly.  
It takes them a couple of minutes to come back from their high, and Chris feels sated but giddy with what has happened tonight. After a little while of snuggling close, his face turned into the crook of Darren's neck, he sighs happily and whispers, “You make me so happy, sweetheart. You have no idea ...” Darren closes his eyes, contentment radiating from him and he presses a kiss to Chris' forehead. “I do though, if how happy you make me is any indication.” he says quietly, still struggling to let his voice sound like more than a hoarse whisper. Humming softly, Chris moves a little and can't help that he slips out with a wince and a groan coming from Darren which he shushes with a soft kiss on his lips before telling Darren that he'll be right back before he walks quickly to the bathroom to get a washcloth to clean them up. Barely minutes afterwards, they snuggle close together underneath the covers, sleep almost overtaking them both as Darren says in a hushed voice, “I love you, sweetheart. I can't wait to be married to you. It makes Chris only grin that turns into a yawn as his eyes already start to close, “I love you too, baby. Neither can I, my beautiful soon to be husband.” Their lips touch in a soft kiss but stay like that as they both fall asleep together, their future shining that bit brighter in front of them now.


End file.
